i’m 46 yrs old and nearly three years ago my doctor found a lump in my right breast on a routine exam. I went for a mammogram and the lump didnt show up, so they did an ultrasound, only to discover 5 more lumps. I had biopsies and 5 of the lumps came back as cancerous – stage 2/3. The whirlwind began shortly afterwards: radical mastectomy with an implant for reconstruction, followed by 4 months of chemotherapy and then…. well, its the ‘and then’ that i still havent figured out.
they say everyone is different going through chemo, but my experience was that i was one step from dying of poison – in fact i ended up in hospital for a week, with an infection that nearly did take my life. It was so bad that i didnt have to do my last chemo session – i guess they figured if they hadn’t killed the cancer by that point, it really wouldnt matter. Because i was so sick for those 4 months, my life was a shambles. i had no energy to do anything except eat and sleep, and i naively thought once the treatments were done, you’d build your body back up, gain the weight back, and be back to your old self a la Lance Armstrong and his bike race. Boy was i wrong. My doc kept telling me that most of her patients took nearly two years to recover fully and be ‘their old selves’.
Well, its been, as i said, about 2.5 yrs. I still only work 7 hr days as i dont have the energy to work 8, then go home and work some more. (how come women get to do double shifts?). My home life is good – i have a fantastic partner who has learned to take one look at me and see the fatigue in which case we usually eat out that night, or order in, so i cant complain that way. But the rest of my life is topsy turvy and nobody seems to ‘get it’ when i try to explain what i mean… so this blog might be a great way for me to sound off!
i think going through an experience like cancer changes you – i had a good outlook on life already, i know where i’m going when i die and i was living my days to the fullest, so i didnt have this ‘near death’ conversion experience that many do. as well, i’m ‘the healthiest person’ most of my friends know; i read every label, eat organic if possible and dont eat crap, so my eating habits didnt drastically change either like many cancer patients do. but… once all the treatments were done and i started feeling better, i was restless. i still am. there are soooo many things i want to do with my life and i feel i cant – work is interferring. i have limited stores of energy these days – residual effects I think – and so i have to pace myself or i get so fatigued it takes me 2 or 3 days to recover.
i want to take music lessons and finally learn how to play the guitar that has sit in my bedroom since i was 15. i want to expand on my photography and start showing more of my work in coffee shops and perhaps smaller art galleries. i’ve done abit of this in the past – but it takes huge amounts of energy to make the rounds and keep on people to show your stuff. I want to get into radio – the local university needs volunteers – so much so that they’re willing to work around my crazy work schedule (i have to do road trips at the end of each month). I’ve actually gone and done training at the station – the next step is to make a 10 minute demo tape so they can proof it and approve me – then find me a time slot. (but i think i’m scared to commit to it which is maybe why i’ve not booked the demo time yet). My partner wants me to do more hiking, biking, canoeing and camping as summer fast approaches. And i still have to look after the house, weed the garden, do the grocery shopping, etc… where do people get the energy to keep it all together???
i feel torn between the things i ‘have’ to do and the things i so desperately want to do. i want to travel. i want to follow my favorite band around and do mulitple concerts like a geek 
But work comes first, and i hate it. i didnt hate it before i had cancer. i accepted it as part of life, just ‘what we all do’. I feel sometimes like i’m on the edge of a cliff and want to jump off – knowing that the world of ‘must do’ is behind me and if i jump i can do whatever i feel like – a new world of ‘anything is possible’. I feel like a child sometimes who is told by adults that i have to grow up and become responsible and i dont want to! i feel like Neo and that i’ve taken the wrong pill and my eyes are open now and i cant go back. i dont feel llike i fit into the world any more… and yet i must find a way to fit in. everyone says i must sigh. so yes, sometimes i feel like i’m in limbo. sometimes i feel resentful of it all. sometimes i just dont have the energy to deal with it.. and always, i wonder if other cancer ’survivors’ feel the same way, and if so, for how long? (and god i hate that term! cancer ’survivor’. but thats for another blog)
