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I know what you’re thinking of doing, if you do it trust me you will REGRET it.

I’ve lost the will to do anything, be anything.
I want to wake up.
But not enough to do it.

I want to wake up and swim, but also to slip under and sink.

I think I know which is easier, but don’t think it’s right.

Part 3 was here -

http://thelivesofothers.wordpress.com/2009/10/22/someones-watching-part-3/

My Father wasn’t convinced that anything was going on. He was a huge skeptic and figured that my brother was just picking up on what I had been describing in my dreams.

My mother objected, but I was told never to talk about that stuff around my youngest brother again.

I always thought that it was weird that my father didn’t believe in stuff like spirits and ghosts or whatever it was that was around us. I mean, he always dragged us to mass on Sundays, and he knew all the responses to the priest. How can you believe in one thing you’ve never seen and not another?

There were arguments between my parents. My mother wanted to get a priest in or a spiritual medium or anyone with any kind of knowledge. My father wouldn’t have any of it. All I really remember was that since my younger brother was moved out of my room, the dreams and visions were back.

Night after night the dark figure would haunt me, in every sense of the word. Despite my room having double glazed windows, and being extra insulated against heat loss because it was an extension, it was always freezing. It’s a cliché that the air gets frosty around paranormal activity, but until you experience it, you can’t understand it. The temperature drops immediately, your breath fogs in the air and a chill runs through your very core. Even with three layers of pyjamas on and two duvets, you would still feel as if you were on a polar ice trek in the nip. The very fact that you can’t explain it makes you fear it all the more. The fact that you know something is about to happen sends you into such a state of helplessness that you just want to cry.

I’d always try to sleep with the light on. This was tricky, because the light switch was on a timer. This meant that it would only stay on for three minutes at a time. So every night I battled with the task of trying to get to sleep before it went off, or getting up, in the dark to flick it back on and start again.

One night a new trend began.

As always, the light went out before I could doze off but I didn’t dare close my eyes before I was sure I was about to sleep. Footsteps. Not the familiar footsteps of my mother going to the kitchen to make herself a cocoa. These were inside my room. They started near the door. Deliberate and slow. It wasn’t a huge distance from the door to my bed, but it was enough to hear more footsteps that I cared to.

They weren’t loud, on the contrary. They were the sound of bare feet on carpet. You wouldn’t think you’d hear that, but when there’s nothing else to hear but your pounding heart and the footsteps, you’ll hear them perfectly. One by one they got closer to the bed. My eyes bulged and my face froze. I had never known fear like it. One last footstep that landed on the side of the bed I had my back to. I could feel someone’s presence in the room. That’s a feeling we can all relate to. The feeling of being watched, or knowing there’s someone else there without having to see them. The eerie feeling of another being in the room with me was so over whelming that I thought I’d pass out with the sheer terror of it. In my mind’s eye, I could see the dark figure looming over me as always, but this was different. Up until now it had just been in my dreams. Now it was, or at least seemed to be, happening for real.

With the footsteps stopped, the silence in the room was broken shortly after by a heavy breathing. A deep and forced breathing, almost like someone in a deep sleep and just a second away from snoring. Even in my panicked and frightened state I had some of my wits about me. I thought to myself:

“It’s your own breath you’re hearing. Don’t panic”

Then my brain kicked in and suggested that I stop breathing for a moment to test that theory. Internally I counted down from 10 to 1 and told myself that I’d stop breathing to see if I could still hear it. I’ve no idea how long it took me to make that countdown, but it wasn’t quick.

Eventually in a sink or swim moment and a battle with myself I took a deep breath and held it. The only part of my body that I willed to work were my ears. For a second there was silence around me. I could still hear my own heart beat, and it was going from a fast drum roll to a slow druming as I held my breath longer. Just as I was assuring myself that my mind was playing tricks on me it happened.

It wasn’t a growl, but like a whispered growl, if you can imagine that. I wasn’t holding my breath voluntarily any more. The growl was followed instantly by and exhale. I felt the crotches on all of my pyjamas soak through as I wet myself. The breath from that exhale brushed across the back of my neck. I was frozen. I thought my chest would explode. My legs wouldn’t work, my feet wouldn’t work. I couldn’t will my self out of the bed. My eyes hadn’t closed or even blinked this whole time and the deathly silence outside of the breathing behind my and my thumping chest was chilling in itself.

The breathing stopped after a few moments and a feeling of relief ran over me. Then a draught came from under my two duvets before I could realise that they had been lifted off of me. Not entirely, but enough to let me know I was no longer able to predict what was going to take place. I tried to scream, but nothing would come. I couldn’t even sense the fogged air of my breath in front of my face. I tried to force a noise, any noise that would bring my mother to me, but nothing. Not even a squeal. I felt hopeless, like I was paralyzed. The cold from the room around me came flooding into my bed from under the raised duvets and I suddenly became aware of my shaking and shivering. Some of it from the cold, but honestly I don’t think my body was as aware of the cold as much as my mind was aware of this situation.

I was crying at this stage. Actually I was in hysterics, but the sounds of desperation that would have come in handy at a time like this were no where to be summoned from. In my mind I kept telling myself it was a dream, but I could wake myself up from my dreams. I suppose you can’t wake up when you haven’t been asleep to begin with. I prayed to whatever god would listen and begged for this to end. I was this quivering, blubbering mess and all I wanted was my mammy.
Another breath, heavy and deliberate snapped me out of my prayers. This one was right in my left ear. The breath was cold and it clouded me and my senses. I felt a pressure on the matress behind me, like someone had just sat on it. I know I wasn’t imagining it because the matress sank a little and caused my motionless body to shift were it lay.

That did it.

I was up and out of that bed so fast I was in the hall way before the duvets hit the floor. I stood there in the fully lit hallway about to pass out from the fright, but for some reason I still couldn’t make a sound. Something just wouldn’t let me. I was just elated to be out of that room. I sat on the stairs, and just waited to calm myself down. My mother was in the living room and I wanted to be able to tell her what had happened, but I had to get it clear in my own head first.

She always waited up for my father to get in from work. He worked in a famous hotel in Dublin, so there was no telling when he’d get home from whatever celebrity party he was hosting. This usually meant that she’d fall asleep, curled up on the couch while the snow danced on the screen when the night’s programming had finished.

As I sat on the stairs trying to compose myself, I heard a voice coming from the living room. It was far too late for the tv to still be on. This was before the days of Play TV or any late night tv for that matter. We didn’t have a phone, so it wasn’t that either. I pushed the door open and saw my mother as expected, curled up on the couch asleep. But she was talking. I’d never seen anyone talk in their sleep before and it kind of strangely comforted me in a way. Here was my mother sleep talking, kind of funny which made her a person to me, not just my mother or a figure of authority or comfort. It calmed me. Just as I was about to think about going back to bed, she spoke again:

“I thought you were going to be home later than this”

There was no response, just the flicker of the tv snow.

“So are you off tomorrow?”

Once again, silence.

“Ok, but we have to talk about all the stuff that’s been going on”

Silence still, but this time in response the door to the living room was thrown violently open.

For a second I thought I’d been busted by my father, but instead the fear had me gripped again. Beside the couch my mother was curled up and asleep on was my father’s favourite arm chair. It faced the tv and was basked in the glow of the tv. Everything seemed normal about that, except it wasn’t my father sitting in the chair. The dark figure sat motionless in the arm chair, facing the tv.

My mother was talking with it. She didn’t know it, or if she did, she didn’t realise I was there watching the whole episode. I ran for the hall door and bolted for the street. I stood there under the street light and didn’t know what to do.
I remained on the grass verge in front of our house for what seemed like the longest time. When my father eventually came home I hadn’t even noticed the sun coming up.

He was confused and a little pissed off to see me outside the house at such a weird time, shivering and smelling of pee. He demanded to know what had happened, but I couldn’t tell him. I knew it would just make him angry, so I lied and said I’d had a bad dream and didn’t remember how I got outside.

Even though he had just worked a 16 hour day, he took me to my room, flipped the matress, changed the sheets, washed me and gave me clean pyjamas and stayed with me stroking my forehead until I eventually drifted off to sleep. I have always loved him for that.

The next day, my father was still in bed when I stumbled up to find my mother in the kitchen having lunch. She asked me why I was outside the house. I broke down and told her everything. She looked sympathetic all the way through and cradled me as I bawled my eyes out until I got to the part about the figure in my father’s chair, and the things she’d said.

She went still and the blood ran from her face. I asked her what was wrong and I’ll never forget it:

“I was convinced I was talking to your father. He came in from work, sat in his chair and we had a conversation. I know it was a conversation because he answered me. He answered it all.”

We sat there and just sobbed for what seemed like an age. I asked her what was happening and she couldn’t tell me. But she did say that she was going to try and stop it.

She said that an old hair dressing friend of hers had always been into the spiritual so she’d call her and get her around. Over the years she had apparently honed her medium skills and was able to pick up on energies and aura. All sounds hippy to some people, but she was our proverbial knight in shinning armour. I knew my father didn’t want this, but I wouldn’t dare tell him. If there was a chance that she could put an end to it all, I’d risk lying to him. Or at least keeping the full truth from him.

My mother called her friend and arranged for her to come around that night. My father was due to be off, but his assistant had called in sick, so that meant another party to host until all hours.

We passed the time by watching the tv and trying not to let on to the other two boys what was going on. At about 9pm, with my brothers in bed, the door bell rang.

My mother rushed to open it and with me following her like a shadow, she pulled the latch and opened it up. The woman on the other side was in her 40’s and dressed just like you’d imagine her to be. Long flowing skirt, sandals, the works. I would have given a knowing smirk if I hadn’t just been put at ease by her smile. She hugged my mother with a genuine sincerity. She looked at me and knelt down to meet my eyes with hers. She stroked my face and made me feel completely safe, just with the look in her warm eyes and the glow from her smile.

“Don’t worry little man, we’ll get to the bottom of this”

With that, a gutteral noise literally shook the house to it’s very foundations. It was a deep, rumbling animalistic noise. The kind of growl that you’d hear in a film and think the engineers needed to take it down a notch. It echoed through every room in the house and ran a chill down the spine of everyone who heard it.

Our visitor didn’t look so calm and collected any more. She looked as terrified as I felt and I wasn’t to be comforted by the look on my mother’s face either.

The woman put one foot across the doorway, but before it touched carpet the noise erupted again. This time it was louder and shook the walls. So much so that pictures came off the wall. It was all topped off with a thump from the ceiling above us so violent and loud it was as if someone had dropped a double decker bus on the floor upstairs. My mother ran upstairs to see if the boys were ok, and to see what that noise was. She came back down saying all was ok and nothing was out of place.

The woman had turned a shade of white I’d never seen before. She had taken her foot back and placed it where it was before and took a step further back, off the door step.

She looked at my mother and said:

“It’s not safe for me in there. It would be best for us all if I didn’t cross the threshold. You need someone else”

Then she looked at me, her eyes filling up:

“I’m so sorry”

That was the last we saw of her.

The next and final part coming soon……

I fancy men. I date men. I sleep with men. I want a boyfriend. I love their smell.

So why did I have a very graphic lesbian dream last night? And why did I wake smiling?

I found out the other night my best friend  is cheating on her spouse. I ran into her in a pub with the man she is cheating with, doing things that were more than just having a drink. I’m shattered. Why? Because we’ve known each other for some long time and I thought I really did ‘know’ her. I also thought she was better than this – that she had good character and loved her spouse.. they seem happy enough when I see them together in our various circles of friends gatherings. She didn’t even seem embarrassed by me finding her with this other man – that’s the rub. In fact, she told me later that it doesn’t mean anything, its only sex when her husband is away for a few days and she gets lonely. God doesn’t she realize what fire she’s playing with? She’s got 2 kids -its always everyone else that gets hurt when the proverbial shit hits the fan. And what the fuck am I supposed to do now when I see her and smiling husband together at our next mutual friend gathering? I’m not saying a word of course, not my business.. but how am I gonna look him in the face knowing what she does behind his back? and no.. they dont have a ‘open’ relationship. Needless to say this has greatly affected our friendship at this point too.

I love my long term boyfriend.

I have almost cheated on him twice in the past year (with the same person).

Each time I stopped it because I didn’t want to hurt him and not because I didn’t want it to happen.

Sometimes I resent him for being so lovely, so sweet, so caring.

Sometimes I wish he was a dick so I could just dump him and have no conscience about it.

He’s a great guy and if we broke up it would kill him.

I don’t know what I want. But how do you ever really know?

I had to do it. I had to look at the pictures again. I frustrate myself sometimes. I found out that you are here, in this country. And I am afraid. So afraid that we will meet each other. I promised myself I wouldn’t let it get to me, that I was happy for you and that was that. But I had to go and look at the pictures again. My god, I thought you were gone, that you would never be back. That the chances of us meeting ever again would be slim. But now I know that’s not true and everything is so much more real.
I don’t know what to do.
I am so scared.
And I still love you.

This never happens to me. He is very kind. He is very nice. He is friends with my friends. So how do I tell him I am just not that into him without making him feel how men have made me feel in the past!

and doesn’t wake up, will anyone miss him?

I don’t know if I can still do it.  Keep being strong while all around me crumble.

The loss of a loved one started it all.  They’d been unwell for a while but it all ended very quickly.  Ever since then, we’ve been arguing about stupid stuff, but always managed to sort it out easily, even when I was hospitalised for a stress-related condition.

This time feels different though.  It started as usual over something small – the colour of paint – there were tears, some shouting, which ended in me being told to “just go.”  So I went, came back to check they were ok, they barely spoke, and we just got on with what we were doing.  It was tense but ok.

Then this morning, I did something small – scratched the floor – and for the first time, burst into tears.  So I called them to apologise for what I had done, and was shouted at for “walking around with a face like thunder” for weeks and for “calling in that state just as I am going to work”. And then was told “I don’t know if you are aware but I lost my *** a few months ago.”  Um, yes, I am aware – I carried the coffin.

Obviously I know that grief affects people in different ways, and deep down I know that we can ride this tough time out, but how the hell am I supposed to keep it together?

Power does not corrupt men. Fools, however, if they get into a position of power, corrupt power (GB Shaw)

http://thelivesofothers.wordpress.com/2009/10/02/calvin-do-you-believe-in-the-devil-you-know-a-supreme-evil-being-dedicated-to-the-temptation-corruption-and-destruction-of-man-hobbes-im-not-sure-that-man-needs-the-help/#comments

he said he was going to cruxify me and he said he would destroy my reputation and then I got this:-
“I was there watching.  I love a good execution haha and yours will go down in history..”

and all because I made a complaint against someone in power.

The dog’s bark is not might, but fright.

Part 2 was here:

http://thelivesofothers.wordpress.com/2009/10/05/someones-watching-part-2/

At the time I was too confused and scared to understand what my grandmother meant when she said my mother was “stuck with him”.  Did she mean me?  One of my brothers?  My father?

After a few months, our house sold and we could buy a new one.  Looking back and being honest I reckon my parents took the first house that was available and that they could afford just to get out of my grandmothers.  I can’t say I blame them really.  At the time I think we were all relieved to get out of that house.  I certainly was.  The last night we spent in that house I didn’t sleep a wink.  I’d try to but when I was just about to drift off I’d be interrupted by more visions of that dark figure.

We spent the whole day in moving vans back and forward from Howth to Blanchardstown where our new house was.  I think I slept the whole day in my dad’s car without as much as lifting a single box.  The feeling of safety and relief that it all might be over gave me the best sleep I could ever remember having.  I woke up the next morning on a matress on the floor of my new bedroom as the beds were arriving later.
It felt strange having lost so much time to sleep, but waking up and not being afraid to be in a room on my own felt so, normal.  I hadn’t felt that way in ages.

I was at the age now where I was left in charge whenever my parents went out for short periods of time.  This usually meant visiting my younger brother in hospital.  His asthma was pretty bad.  He couldn’t run around or play normally without having to need an inhaler in his pocket.  Being on steroids and different cocktails of antibiotics and drugs only delayed and reduced the severity of attacks.
On one particularly severe night, I looked across the bedroom to see what all the noise was about.  He was sat on the edge of the bed and white as a sheet, eyes wide open.  He couldn’t breath and he couldn’t call out for help.  I scrambled for his inhaler, but it had no effect on him.  I ran to my parent’s room and got them down.  My father must have broken every rule of the road getting him to the hospital.  Blanchardstown hospital transfered him to Temple Street and put him on a nebuliser.  Doctor’s reckoned that another half hour of going untreated and he would have basically suffocated to death.
The moment I heard that I was more scared than I’d ever been.

My grandmother came to visit him while I was there and I don’t remember much really apart from the argument.  My grandmother wanted to visit our new house but my mother was having none of it.  They both tried not to add to the stress my brother was going through by arguing in the corridoor, but we could hear everything:

“What do you mean, I’m not allowed near your house?”

“I don’t want you near me, my kids or my house.  Everything you touch turns”

“Turns what?”

“I don’t know, evil”

“Have you any idea how ludicrous that sounds?”

“I couldn’t care less, I will disown you if you come near us uninvited.  I swear”

And that was that.  My grandmother was made to promise never to come to our house and my mother came back into the hospital room looking shaken, but like a weight had been lifted.  On the way home we went to McDonalds and talked about how exciting it was to be in a new house.  It was in the summer so talk of the new school year was also topic.  I was oddly looking forward to starting a new school.  New friends and all the rest.  I saved the toy from my happy meal to take it to my brother the next day.
In the morning the hospital called to say that my brother could go home, so off my parents went to collect him.  I stayed home to watch the youngest of my brothers.

About an hour after they had left the door bell rang.  I went to answer it thinking it was my parents, but as I opened the door, it revealed my grandmother standing there.

“Can I come in?”

I remembered the conversation they’d had in the hospital, but in fairness, what was I going to do to stop her.

“Erm, ok”

She wasted no time in pushing past me, slamming the door shut and shouting at me to go to my room.  I ran, grabbing my youngest brother and went to my room.  She stood in the door way and burned into me with eyes of intensity I’d never known before.

“If you tell your mother abou this, I’ll make you sorry”

With that the door was shut and locked from the outside.

At first all I could hear was like a chanting.  I couldn’t make out the words, but by the tone and the beats in her speech it sounded to me at the time like a prayer in church.  Rehearsed and deliberate.  She did this for a while, moving from room to room and after about 15 minutes, I heard her move to the kitchen which was next to my downstairs bedroom.  The speech changed.  Not so forced and panicked as it was before.  This time it was like hearing only one side of a telephone conversation.  She sounded worried though, like she was pleading.  Again I couldn’t make out the words, but her voice was raised enough for me to wonder what was going on.  This didn’t last long.  It stopped pretty suddenly when I heard what was unmistakably a

“NO!”

A stony silence followed that was only broken by the sound of the lock turning in the door again.  Instead of it flying open like I was expecting, it was slowly pushed aside and my grandmother stood there.  With tears making her mascara run, she wasn’t the severe figure she had been when she had locked us in that room, she was a broken person.

Her voice was nearly inaudible:

“I’m so sorry.  Please don’t tell your mother I was here.  I’m sorry”

With that, she left.

I really hoped she’d call my mother to confess to her visit at some point, but she never did.  I also hoped that my mother wouldn’t ask me or my brother if anything had happened while they were away.  Partly because I was, and still am a terrible liar, and my brother was far too young to understand why he shouldn’t tell the truth.  Thankfully though, she never asked.  Why would she?  She came home to see us playing the Atari without as much as a cushion out of place.

I felt uneasy for the rest of the day, despite the fact that my brother was safely at home again, this time with a shiny new nebuliser of his own.  I couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the evening on anything.  I was getting sleepy later on the couch, so I was put to bed.  I was sharing a room with my youngest brother, as his room was being converted in the attic.  He was already out cold when I got there, so I climbed into bed.

The feeling of dread at bedtime was around me again, simply because of my grandmother’s visit.  But much to my relief I just fell asleep.  It was one of the best sleeps I’d had, out for the count, like a baby.
Until about 5am when I was woken by the sound of my brother squealing at the top of his lungs.  Not a cry from a nightmare, but a cry that let you know he had gone through something that he just didn’t know how to deal with.  The high pitch yowl was joined by a loud thumping on the bedroom door.  My parent’s were literally trying to burst the door off it’s hinges to see what was going on.  My senses were shot, I didn’t know where to start.  Open the door?  Comfort my brother?  Turn on the lights?
I put my hand on my brother’s shoulder to comfort him but before I could get the words of “It’s ok” out, his screech went higher in pitch again, and louder too.  It made me jump back in shock.  He was freaking the shite out of me now.

I jumped across the room and flicked on the light.  My brother was sat there in the fetal position, swaying back and forward.  His face soaked from tears, but his eyes cried dry.  The banging and demands to open up from my parents couldn’t even distract me from what I was seeing.  My little 4 year old brother utterly inconsolable.  But what got me were the markings on him.  His face was red like he’d been slapped.  A giant red hand marked wrapped itself around his pale calf and shin of his left leg.

My father eventually kicked in the door, saw my brother, looked at me and freaked out:

“What did you do?”

“Nothing, I was asleep”

“Why was the door locked?”

“I don’t know I was asleep”

He picked up my brother and took him trembling to the living room.

I was out of it.  I didn’t know what was going on

I could hear my father trying to get sense out of my brother, but he was too far gone to string the words together for at least an hour.
My mother looked at me, and got down on her knees to meet my eye level.

“I’m going to ask you two questions, and if you don’t answer truthfully, I’ll know”

“Ok”

“Did you do this to your brother”

“Of course I didn’t.  I was asleep, I swear.  I woke up and he was screaming”

“Ok, sshssh.  This next one is very important.”

“Ok”

“Did your gran ever visit here when we were out?”

I said nothing, I didn’t know what to be afraid of more.  What had just happened, or my gran.

“I’ll ask you again.  Was she here today when we were at the hospital?  You can tell me, I’ll never let her hurt you”

“Yes she was here”

She held me for the longest time and whispered promises that she would never blame me for anything that happened.

When they eventually calmed my brother down they asked him who had hurt him.  My dad played good cop:

“Did your brother do this?”

“n,no he was ’sleep”

“Who did this to you, you can tell me, I’ll keep you safe”

“The man”

“What man?”

“The man”

“What man?  Who was in there?”

“The black man”

“The black man?”

“He was all black”

My mother looked at me and a shiver ran down my spine.

Part 4 coming soon….

Three weeks later and I’m still so excited….

We had our first date, lunch – it went really well.
We’ve had several dates since and he’s really great.
I think he thinks I’m pretty great too!

Thanks to all of you who encouraged me on the last post.
Sometimes I have to pinch myself, and, I’m smiling alot!
Hope is a lovely thing to have in life.

My boyfriend of four months told me this week that he’s never been in love, he doesn’t know what being in love should feel like and he doesn’t know if he’s in love with me. He says he feels closer to me than any other girl he’s ever been with before, that there are so many things about me he loves, but he can’t say he’s in love with me.

The real problem is, he had actually told me before he was in love with me so now he’s taken it back, but I’ve fallen madly in love with him. We haven’t broken up despite his revelations, he says he still wants to be with me and in a relationship with me, says he loves my company, the sex is amazing, he feels close to me and cares very deeply about me and I know I’m lucky that he feels that at least but I’m scared. I’m scared if he doesn’t feel he’s in love with me now, maybe he never will be. I know it’s only been four months and because of that I’m staying with him, to give our relationship a chance, to give it time, to give him time to see how he feels.

But as each day goes by I love him more and I let him in more but now I feel there’s this gap between us because I’m there, at the point where I know I’m in love, and he’s not.

I really thought this was it, that I had found the person I could one day maybe share a home and the rest of my life with but his uncertainty has completely thrown me. I feel disappointed, stupid for believing he was in love with me, and so helpless. I am who I am and if that’s not enough for him to fall in love with after four months, then will it ever be enough?

But I don’t want to walk away, he’s who I want, I can’t imagine him out of my life, I don’t want him out of my life. We have so much fun together, my heart jumps when I see him, he literally takes my breath away. I felt that way only once before in my life and I lost it because the guy didn’t feel the same. The idea of that happening to me again kills me.

Maybe I’m just not the kind of girl that men fall in love with.

I’m genuinely scared of someday losing my mind.

That said, i’m not sure what that’s meant to mean. Losing implies having one in the first place. I have a lot of very strange behaviour. I know this myself – so what does that say about me?

When i’m alone, I talk to myself, I have unintended outbursts from my thoughts, my mind races, my body tires but under the skin lights up like it’s being electrocuted.

I sing and shout randomly. Things I don’t mean. I talk to myself like I hate “me”. When I do this, I have to remind myself that it’s “me” saying this to me, and not “you”. I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together…

When I go to sleep at night, I feel like i’m rising from the bed. I feel fear, and anxiety, and jealousy, and inadequacy. I don’t sleep easy.

I have strange fantasies. Nothing dubious. My mind will wander and invent scenarios that haven’t and won’t happen. I’m tempted to write these, as if I were some kind of fiction machine.

Am I going crazy, or am I just human? I’m not sure how to deal with this anymore.

The new guy i’m seeing since you sent me the text saying we should “cool things for a bit” is lovely. He is really handsome (much better looking than you) he makes a really big effort with me and my friends. He texts everyday and i dont even have to text him first, he gets me cute thoughtful gifts, he is everything i could want in a man. But everytime you pop into my head i’m reminded of the one thing he’s not, he’s not you.I miss you,do you ever miss me?

I’m the head editor of a sociology journal. One of my best friends is on the editorial board with me, and her work is unreliable. Every time she reviews an article, I have to erase the vast majority her comments and start editing from scratch. Resentment is beginning to simmer and sizzle. Steam has started to issue in a caballine fashion from my usually placid nostrils. I want to be straight up, but history has shown that criticism and she don’t mesh. Instead, I spend half my life re-doing the work that she has done. The difficult thing is that she works really hard. Like, really hard. It would be one thing if she were a lazy so-and-so. Then I’d be all like ‘yo, you, lazy so-and-so, stay away from my journal be-atch.’ But it’s not so simple. She works harder than anyone else on the team. If only there were fruit to her labours; if only she turned tawdry sociological steel into solid sociological gold! Alas, alack, the editing she produces is just… it’s just… ah feck it, there’s no point pulling punches – it’s unbelievably useless, utterly misguided, incomparably ridiculous shite. Reading her comments and suggestions for our submitting authors is like reading instructions on how to land an airplane by someone who has only ever ridden a bicycle. Her syntactical advice to our would-be publishees might best be likened to the sex education I received from the presentation Nuns in the nineties. I am increasingly of the opinion that her notes on restructuring have been generated a magic eight ball. Oh magic eight ball, should I tell the writer to remove the methodological information from his introduction and insert it willy-nilly at random points into the body of the paper? LOOKS LIKELY. Okey dokey then, random methodological nuggets it is!

If someone were harping on like this at me, I would tell them that they needed to sit their esteemed friend and associate down for a chat. That would be sound advice. And I will. I will sit her down and talk to her about it. But right now she is feeling proud as punch that she has gotten all her reviews to me – happy that she’s put in so much genuine hard work and effort. I don’t want to have to tell her it’s not good enough. I know her, and there’s no way she wouldn’t take it personally. And anyways, right now there’s a deadline to make; it’s not going to make itself. Potentially friendship wrecking chats will just have to wait.

I am dreading the impending unpleasantness. She might be a crap editor, but she’s pretty awesome in just about every other way. Now pass the caffeine tablets, it’s going to be a long long night.

This is a bit… different.

I think I’m addicted to the internet. Seriously.

I’m on the laptop every single day for maybe 12 hours, few proper breaks, doing wide variety of things. Varying levels of attentiveness. Possibly addicted to new information/not being in the dark. An insecurity that I’m missing out on something?

Sure I might be more knowledgeable and up-to-date but at this point its starting to affect my social skills. Lame and embarassing I know. I’m almost laughing at myself. It doesn’t feel like a bad addiction, more like a realisation that I’ve been tricked by a scammer. I’m only really posting here because I’ve almost wanted an excuse to use this site since it went live and is probably a better forum. I don’t mind about anonymity. Can’t believe I’ve let myself get into this situation. And then confess it anonymously on a blog of all places! Lulz!

Either that(internet regresses social skills) or it has allowed me to pursue divergent interests to nearly all my friends to the point where I don’t really have much to talk to them about. My ability to trawl through my memories has turned to mush because with Google I can just search the answer instantly, then disregard it as quick. It feels like I don’t properly digest information anymore. Feels like it has sapped my charisma.

My conversational skills have gotten absolutely dire. I semi-joke that I might even be a bit agoraphobic at this stage. I’ve depression too so this isn’t helping things. I’ll spend all day on the laptop surfing reading up on things, msn. Its just so good. I have zero desire or intention to do my course work though. I have an essay due tomorrow for a course I’ve barely attended and its 4am I’m reading blogs, music and watching megavideo and I’m not as concerned as I should be.

When I heard stories like this in China I thought it was related to censorship, but maybe its the truth. And it’s more obvious in their culture.

Though, I’ve never been one for balance or self-discipline. In my mind its the cause of most depressions out there, chicken and the egg situation. Which came first the depression or the lack of self-discipline? Hence I require a one-time, quick. silver bullet solution please! I’m a shell of a man! I am the internet in human form. I gather and display information, but I cannot compose new information(charisma?) myself. I feel I’ve gotten boring and it’s the worst feeling in the world. To clarify I’m not a tech geek, but a knowledge junkie/aspiring journo. Regular chump. Broke arts student.

Are my points valid though? Is the internet something you can be “addicted” to? Is it a bad thing to be addicted to it? Can I maintain this addiction and just seek ways to improve my social skills elsewhere? Anyone else experience this? Anyone else notice a deterioration in social skills? Is this just how people are these days? I noticed Saturday night on Twitter during the Web Awards, it seems everyone there was mobile tweeting constantly. Was that at the expense of live conversation? Were the tweets composed to fill awkward silences caused by said deterioration? … I do recognize that suggestion sounds crazy.

Is there a steady way to wean onself off it? Has anyone found a balance/solution/discipline or succesful method to sustainably disconnect?

Part 1 was here: http://thelivesofothers.wordpress.com/2009/09/29/someones-watching-part-one/

Despite what some might think, this is not a fake “meme” being circulated through email.

______________________________________________________________________

The reason my mother wanted out of the house was because she was being bullied by the neighbours. Never one to stand and chat over the garden fence or gossip over tea and biscuits she was branded a snob. While the husbands were all out at work, the wives would scream at her from across the road and put notes through the letter box with insults so juvenile they’d make a nursery pupil cringe. The thing is that when it’s coming from all angles, it’s hard to look at it that way.

My mother was at the stage where she’d do anything to get out of that house. Looking back I don’t blame her, even if at the time I thought she was the worst in the world for taking me away from my friends. The usual 7 year old emotional stuff.

Within a fortnight we were completely moved out of that house and living in my nana’s front room. Not ideal, but temporary situations aren’t supposed to be. This was the nana who would visit us ocassionally with ornaments. Her house smelled like old people and incense and there were eyes everywhere. Not actual eyes, it’s not that kind of story.
The eyes of her little trinkets and ornaments that looked so familiar yet different at the same time. The eyes from paintings of crying children that would follow you around every room and chill you to the core. I hated being in that house alone, even if it was just for a few minutes, because you never felt like you were alone.

Anything from a shiver down the spine to a whisper that you weren’t quite sure you really heard would make you want to run screaming from this house.

The nightmares were back too, only this time they were so vivid I began to wet the bed. This is an embarrassing thing for any kid, but even more so when you’re crammed into a bed with your younger brother.

This time the figures in the dream were visible to me, and not just a dark figure. They were the little religious wotsits that my nana had almost strategically placed everywhere. Little ceramic figurines that would chase me about the place while I tried to sleep.
Each time I woke up in a puddle of my own fear and shame, a random ornament would be at the foot of the bed.
Even though the dark figure from before wasn’t the main player in the dreams anymore, his presence was still very much felt. It was as if he was in the background taking control but not actually taking part.

It wasn’t long before I was just terrified to sleep. Terrified of what I’d dream about and terrified at my body’s reaction to it. One night I fell asleep out of pure exhaustion and it was a night I’d remember over all others up to that point.

In my dream I was being chased by these figures of the different religious ornaments in the house. The dark figure was more promanent this time and I was fully aware that he was controlling them. The crying children from the paintings were sobbing and pleading for help. It’s a weird thing for a child to experience fear so extreme that he can feel himself screaming to the point that would make his lungs burst, but being unable to wake up.
They were chanting something that I couldn’t make out, but as they did their eyes would stare into the very depths of me and conjure up and even more irrational fear.

Dreams are sometimes fuzzy and cloudy, such are dreams. Not this one, it was as clear as a HDTV today complete with surround sound. I screamed and screamed and tried to wake myself up but it just wasn’t working. The dark figure emerged from the shadows of the background and loomed over me. The chanting got louder and drowned out the sobs of the children from the paintings. He stood there seemingly taking pleasure from my panic. I could feel my heart thumping in my chest. Suddenly it went pitch black around me and I felt what I can only now describe as a swift and extremely powerful punch to the stomach that winded me instantly.

That woke me up for sure, but I wasn’t in the clear yet. I was still winded. Having never had the wind knocked out of me up until then I didn’t know what was happening or how to deal with it. Still frightened from the dream I was now frightened even more because things that happen in dreams are not supposed to happen really.
My brother as always, was still out cold oblivious to what I was going through. I hadn’t wet the bed this time, but that was the least of my worries. As I began to get my breath back and calm down a little I was snapped back into panic as at the foot of my bed were all of the ceramic and plastic figures that had terrorised me in my dream. About 20 or so of these little fuckers were lined up and facing me, motionless, looking at me.
I screamed. I screeched. I brought the house down, but nothing. My brother just turned over and kept snoring. My mother never came to see how I was. My nana never came, my father, no one. I had a choice to make, stay here with those things or do a runner and take my chances from there.

My mother’s parents were rich, proper rich. They built a house in Howth when they married. A proper rich person’s house. Three stories and a basement because my nana always loved the old movies that showed people with basements in their houses.

I decided to run. I lept out of the bed and over the watchful eyes, out the door and down the four flights of stairs where I should have found my mother and nana either in the kitchen or living room.
I called out like a wounded puppy, but still no one came.

I heard something from the basement and when I got closer I could smell the familiar incense and see the flicker of candles. I wasted no time in bolting for the door to rush down to the safety of who ever was down there.

My blood ran cold.

The incense was familiar. The candles were familiar. The old person smell was familiar. The voices were familiar. What was also familiar however, was what I heard.
I heard my mother and my nana chant the very same incomprehensable chant that I had heard in my dream.

Now, some would say that I heard it in my dream and my mind incorporated that into my dream as something I didn’t understand and turned it into a nightmare. Last I checked I wasn’t Superman’s lovechild so I wasn’t born with supersonic hearing that could detect the exact thing I’d heard minutes earlier in my bed, 3 floors up, while I slept.

I was stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and suddenly I got that feeling of not being alone again. Yes I was in a room with two other people, but I felt a heavy presence of someone behind me. Just as I was about to run down the rest of the stairs to the safety of my mother’s arms and comforting words, my nana cried out:

“You leave my grandson alone. Do you hear me? LEAVE HIM BE!”

My mother panicked and asked:

“Who’s after him? What have you done?”

“We have to send him back”

“Send who back?”

“LEAVE HIM BE!”

At that moment I wished I’d trusted my instincts because that feeling of not being alone got stronger and instantly I remembered the time I was pushed down the stairs. It happened this time again. I felt the air around me chill and a hand between my shoulders threw me forward. I didn’t have far to go this time, just a few steps until I hit the bend in the stairs where I stopped like a rag doll.

My mother and nana looked on shocked as I brought myself to my feet only to be shoved the rest of the way down the stairs.

“Don’t leave the table, we have to send him back this time”, came my nana’s response.

“What are you doing to my son?”

“DO NOT leave the table, we have to SEND HIM BACK!”

At the time I could have kissed my mother for not listening to my nana and coming to pick my limp body from the cold concrete floor. She held me for the longest time and we cried each other to sleep.
I wasn’t entirely sure what my nana meant by “send him back”, but it may have had something to do with the same board and drinking glass that my mother had been talking to the last time.

Nana wasn’t happy and as she walked passed us she just sneered, void of all emotion:

“Stupid cow, now you’re stuck with him”

Part 3 coming soon…..

How much loyalty do I really owe my employer?

Lets face it, if they had to lay people off they’d do it. Hard luck chump here’s your P45.

So if I was offered a better, higher paid job that I didn’t go looking for in any way, do I need to consider my employer? Or is it dog eat dog?

Cure for the unhappy people clogging this site:
Long story short! I was so sad but after I took to talking about it, exercise (exert yourself more than 1/2 hour,) music, new things, hot baths, good deeds, and designated non-depression breaks I was a new man! :-)

Garda corruption is still alive and well and brewing….

I’m being harassed by the Gardai. Going on nine years now. Simply because I made a complaint against one of them, which inevitably led to a domino effect amongst their fellow colleagues.

I want to shout it and scream it and broadcast it on every gawd damn newspaper and media outlet in the country! but.. I bide my time, I’m waiting for the most opportune moment. What they have done is simply beyond comprehension. I couldn’t make it up even if I wanted to. I’ve gone through a series of complaints to the Garda Complaints Board and the Garda Ombusman.

They have tried to break me down, chipping away at me bit by bit, but I’m strong and every time they knock me down, I rise bigger and stronger. I’m a good person. I’m their easy target.

I’ve been threatened, physically threatened. Simply because I made a complaint against one of their colleagues. They threatened me in my place of work, tried to humiliate me in front of my work colleagues and neighbours and all because I made a complaint against one of their colleagues. Why, because I was being stalked and harassed and I reported a number of incidents to one the most corrupt Gardai in the country who tried to cover up for the person stalking/harassing me.

I often wonder am I the only person going through something like this.

This corruption is rampant from the top down.

This is what they do to innocent people, their easy targets.

But I’m not easy any more, they have made me tough as nails and now they have a fight on their hands and I’m damn well going to expose the lot of them for what they are! They will never see my tears..

I just wish he’d tell me he loves me more often or that he misses me when we’re apart. He tells me sometimes when he’s drunk so why can’t he tell me when he’s sober. I know he feels it but I still need to hear it. He tells me I’m sexy and hot but he still keeps this distance between us, I really don’t know if he’s truly let me in his heart yet. I just wish he would because I’ve let him into mine and I don’t want to get hurt again

The following is a true story, I know I’ve lived it and continue to do so.

You can choose to believe it or not.

It’s long though, which is why I’ve broken it up.

____________________________________________________________________

For as long as I can remember my family has always experienced ghostly activities.

My mother used to tell me tales of how her bed would shake when she was a little girl, how statues of the virgin mary would glow at different times. Ghostly visions would appear in her room, and anytime a crucifix was brought into the house it would mysteriously disappear days later.
Her parents weren’t religious at all, the crucifixes and statues coming from her grandmother as gifts or whatever, so that meant that while she knew about religion and faith from school she was never religious herself. To this day, it remains the same.

She said that as she got older things got worse. The walls would make noises like there were people inside them, whenever she was in a room alone it would get icy cold and when she managed to get to sleep she’d be haunted by the most disturbing and horrifying nightmares.
It got so bad that she pleaded and was given permission to live with her aunt. It was then that her life began to normalise. No more visions, scary noises or nightmares.
But whenever she went to visit her mother or stay the night it would all resurface again.

She put it down to the fact that the house was over 100 years old so it had to have some kind of history to it. Maybe there were a few spirits or whatever trying to make their presence felt.

She grew up, met my father and had me. They lived with my father’s mother until they got their own place. This was the beginning of the 80’s, so when you applied to the council for accommodation, the tower blocks of Ballymun were often one, if not the only option offered in Dublin.
So we shacked up in Ballymun.

My grandmother came to visit when I was still a baby and brought some toys and other things as house warming gifts.
One of my earliest memories is of a dark figure stooped over my bed, just standing there. The feeling of utter fear and dread was enough to make your heart beat to bursting point.
I had nightmares  every night, and while I never slept in my parents bed, I used to make either one or both of them sit by the bed until I had gone back to sleep.
I had a little brother by this stage, but he used to sleep like a log, especially when that dark shadow loomed over me.

I remember my mother always giving out to me that I had moved her things, but I could never understand why. I never had interest in her ornaments, let alone enough of an interest to rearrange them.

My father worked hard and my parents eventually bought their first house in Clondalkin. Things were great, no more nightmares or dark figures. I was having a nice normal and happy childhood.

Then my grandmother came to visit. It sticks out in my mind for a couple of reasons. Firstly because she very rarely ever came to visit. Secondly if she did visit, we wouldn’t see her for years again after. Thirdly it was never a visit in the way a visit from a grandmother should be. Very clinical like she was just checking on us for some reason. But she always left “gifts” for us. Again, not the kinds of gifts that grannies usually give. No sweets or toys or even a crappy oversized jumper that she’d knitted.
These were gifts that were never to be touched. Little statues, ornaments and trinkets that were for show only to “make the place look nice welcoming”.

The nightmares began again. The dark figure returned as well, but this time the fear and dread was multiplied. My parents refused to sit by my bed any longer as they reckoned I had to grow out of it, and under normal circumstances they might have been right. It just didn’t help me when I tried to run from my bed in hysterics, but couldn’t as it was as if there was something holding me down and just making me lie there while it terrorised me for no reason.

My brother would always say that he never remembered any of it, but it was with me always.
Again my mother would tell me off for moving things that I never had.

One night I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling afraid to close my eyes long enough to have that thing appear beside me again. I heard voices downstairs. This was unusual as it was too late for my father to be home from work and too early for my mother to be up to get us out to school.

I crept down the stairs trying not to be noticed and see if I could ear wig on what was going on. I peered around the open sitting room door and saw my mother sitting there on her own. She was cross legged on the floor at the coffee table with candles around her. On the coffee table was a board. I couldn’t see what was on it, apart from a small drinking glass.

Her eyes were closed and she was asking questions. I thought she was a bit mad because there wasn’t anyone in the room that could answer them. Then she asked:

“When will we be out of here?”

This confused me and forgetting that I should have been in bed and not spying on her I interrupted:

“Where are we going?”

She snapped her head around to face me with a look like a deer in the headlights and a look of fear that I have yet to see on her face since.

“What are you doing out of bed?”

“Where are we going?”

“Get back up to bed and forget everything you saw here”

“But Ma…”

“What did you see? How long were you there? Get to bed!”

I ran up the stairs to my room and dove under the covers, afraid again, only this time I didn’t know why.

What seemed like the longest time passed until I heard my mother come up the stairs. She stopped outside my room but never came in. Instead she went to her own room and I heard her cry until the sun came up.
This being the summer holidays from school I thought I’d go downstairs watch some morning cartoons and have some cereal. I’d sometimes do this and fall asleep on the couch to be woken by my mother doing the housework a few hours later.

I grabbed my blanket and tip toed so lightly down the landing and stairs I may as well have been floating.
I put my foot on the top stair and I got a rush of shivers down my spine. The same kind of shivers that would visit me just before the dark figure would appear. With my blanket bunched up against my chest I eased my way to the next step. It was at that exact moment that I heard the sound of someone inhaling deeply and deliberately and the feel of a hand on my back.
It’s hard to describe, but if you can imagine the temperature around you dropping immediately and so severely that you breath fog coupled with a fear that you can only understand if you’ve experienced it, that’s what happened.
Not that I had much time to process what was going on as instantly I felt a big cold hand on the back of my neck. It didn’t stay on my neck long as I was launched forward down the stairs head first.

The force of the push was enough to make me miss five steps before I made contact with carpet again. I sat in a lump of confused, scared and bruised shivering mess at the bottom of the stairs. I got my bearings just in time to see the dark figure on the landing above me, just standing there completely still.
It disappeared the second my father came bolting from his room and putting the light on to see what the commotion was.

After a quick inspection, he set me on the couch, turned the tv on and made me hot porridge.
An hour or so later I heard my folks talking in the kitchen they obviously thought I was asleep because they were arguing. Not fighting, but more like trying to make their own points more important than the other’s.

My mother raised her voice and asked:

“When are you going to get us out of here? It’s not safe!”

My father replied as he was stomping out the door:

“I’m doing my fucking best”

He did do his best, and got us out of that house a week later.

It’s a pity that hindsight isn’t like foresight, because it wasn’t the house we had to worry about.

Part 2 soon….

I’m just bursting with excitement.

It’s only a first date.
It’s only lunch.

But I’m sooo excited.

For the final consumation and for me to feel less lonely, my last wish was that there should be a crowd of spectators at my execution and that they should greet me with cries of hatred.

It may not be a secret but rather something obvious. We get a chance to say something juicy on this web site and all you can talk about is sex (love) and sadness. Keep this for your therapists and tell me something I haven’t heard before.

I was afraid of posting this, but it might give me some closure.

I know that you had never slept with anyone before me. I know this because you told me, and I trust you.

It was the same for me. We both never felt right, until we were with each other. We belong together, cheesy as it may sound. We both agree that our future is with each other, and this gives me great strength and fills me with hope for what lies ahead.

But why can I not stop thinking about him? Why do I wish that I had been there earlier so that you didn’t have to put up with that hurt?

Why do I torture myself with the details of how close you were with him?

When we’ve talked around this before, you keep telling me that you aren’t an angel, and got yourself into situations that you had to force yourself out of. What do you mean!?

Surely I should stop being so selfish, and focus on the good. Surely I should be thankful for what we have and grateful that we found each other when we did?

Has anyone experienced these irrational thoughts before, and if so, how does one overcome them?

I can’t help but feel that I am making myself unhappy.

Do the actions of one individual affect the lives of others; can any one individual remain separate from the whole?

I Don’t want children. My friends think i’m crazy but that’s not the problem.
I’ve never been in love. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never slept with anyone. The thought of it terrifys me.
I have lots of friends. I like to socialise and meet new people. I also like my own company, i’m happy living like I do. I wonder what people I know really think of me being on my own. I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. I don’t feel lonely, but am I abnormal to feel like this. I can’t live alone forever can I?

Everyone says you find someone when your least expecting it. I don’t know if I believe that, and I don’t know if I want to.
I’m scared of falling in love. I’m scared of getting close to someone and getting hurt. I am happy meeting people but when things start getting serious I want to run away.
I don’t know if I will ever trust someone, even though i’ve no reason not to trust. How can I tell them i’ve never had sex. The thought of it scares me. I’m curious, but I don’t miss what I don’t have.

Why can’t I be normal and have relationships like everybody else.

why after nearly 4 years do I still love him? he was never nasty to me or violent he just didnt give a ****, he cheated and lied, I lost our baby I dont think he cared. He is with someone new now and I heard he cheated on her, the poor girl has no idea, he says hello to me now and waves when he meets me, why? does he not know I hate him?

I seem to have thought about you so much this week. Everyday, some little thing popping into my head and trapping my concentration for the day. No metter what I tell myself or anyone else, you have never left my thoughts and I hope you never will. No matter how much it hurts and how much it means I will never again be happy, I will go on loving you forever.

It all started on Monday, I opened a book that was a gift for you the Christmas we broke up, you never got it. Inside the the front cover was a handwritten note from me, it read…

I will love you forever, like we are a single soul.
I will need you forever, like we are a single heart.
I will want you forever, like dusk chases dawn.
I will be there for you forever, you will never have to be alone.

Under it I transcribed my favourite sonnet…

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

in which there is no I or you
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand
so intimate that when you fall asleep it is my eyes that close

When I was 18, I lived with a boyfriend who was violent.

It was a nasty situation I got myself into, but I got out, and I got on with my life.

One day, shortly before I got out, we argued and he started strangling me.

It really hurt.  I was surprised how much it hurt.  When you see someone being strangled on TV, there is no screaming or indication of pain, it just looks like the person can’t breathe.  The reality, in my experience, is that you can’t breathe and it really hurts.

I was so angry in that moment where I was being strangled.  I thought I was going to die, and I was so angry that this is what my life had come to, that I was going to be dead at 18, a murder victim, that was all I’d lived for and all I was going to be.

I suppose I must have lost conciousness because I suddenly went from that place to feeling amazingly happy.  It was like I was in a dark tunnel but it was a wonderful tunnel.  One of my friends was there smiling at me, and I was so happy.

Then I woke up to my boyfriend slapping me around the face really hard, trying to revive me I think.

My dream when unconcious was like one of those the classic near death experience stories you hear on TV.  I’m not sure if there was a light at the end of my tunnel, but it was like a tunnel.  I’m a sceptic, I don’t usually believe in anything you hear about that is not scientificly proven, but I believe in near death tunnel experiences now, because it happened to me.

Today I’m so stressed so much of the time and I don’t know why.  What is it that is bothering me?  I think about this strangling experience and a few other experiences and wonder if they have anything to do with my anxiety.  I’ve tried counselling but I have a problem opening up to people.  I can’t seem to talk about things like this to anyone.  A lot of the time I feel like I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and it is so stupid that I don’t even know what I’m so stressed about.

Is what happened bad?  If it happened to you, would you be stressed out about it years later?  Nasty stuff happens to most people, doesn’t it, but most people get over it, don’t they?

Okay so heres the story. I really like this guy and he likes me. We have admitted as much to each other, last night in fact. But all we did is briefly kiss. I am so confused. We are both cautious about going forward as hes in final year of college and I’m starting first year (again). So we both need to concentrate on our studies.

The thing is, he knows part of a story, I have the full story. His ex cheated on him with me. I was told they had an open relationship which I have now found out to be have been a lie, which has shaken my faith in men. He dosent know how far it went and what I knew. Should I tell him?

I am a really busy person as I am involved with lots of organisations and he is going to be really busy too. This has led to failures and hurt in relationships for me when only I was busy, how can I manage if we are both going to be busy?

To be quite honest, I am scared. I have never been so scared in my life. I am fed of being hurt and hurting. I want this cycle to change. I want to be held, to be loved and to be cared for.

I don’t know what to do, how to act around him or anything. I am just so confused. Even thinking straight is difficult.

I am not sure if it is a fear of commitment on top of all this. But I can’t get him off my mind. Last night when I saw another guy trying to kiss him, it took everything in me not to react, not to break down crying on the dancefloor. Its all too much.

Right now I am sitting here trying to figure out whether or not to text him. But even then its what do I say. We are both too cautious, one of us has to take the risk, but im not sure if I am able, though I want too.

I am scared and he is too. We are as bad as each other!

Everytime I see you, I feel better.

You know I love you and I know you love me, you told me so yourself when we thought we may never see each other again. But we could never be together.

When I make you laugh, it’s the highlight of my day, or week, or month. You’re so pretty and hardly anyone sees beyond that to the incredible person you are.

I hope some day, some guy looks past your circumstances and realises how lucky anyone could be to have you in their life every day. I would be happy for you, and him, whoever he is.

But I’ll always love you, in a nice way, in a wanting you to be as happy as you make me and countless others who just happen to interact with you.

I don’t regret not being able to be with you, because it’s not meant to be. But I get to see you often, the occasional chat, a shared cigarette, nothing heavy or even remotely romantic. We’re mates, and I cherish you.

Seriously people – I’m just one person – I help you as much as I can and go out of my way a lot of the time to make sure things are done properly so it saves you time. It’s a good complaint in these uncertain times I suppose to be so busy. I just feel completely undervalued and I’m made feel like a dogsbody.. All I want is to open up my Gmail and see a response from a job that suits me down to the ground and something I know I would be brilliant at. And whilst I know no one is irreplaceable, I know you’d miss me, but you’ll only realise everything that I actually did for you when I’m gone.

I saw you. It happened so suddenly. When I had stopped looking. I saw you. With someone else. I didn’t know what to feel. I thought I would cry, but I didn’t. But my heart raced. Raced at remembering everything we had in one split second. I hope you are happy. I really do. I looked for you for a while,just to see where you were and what you had been doing. Now I know. And now that I am typing this my heart is beginning to ache thinking of you. Maybe someday we will see each other again face to face and not just in pictures. But seeing you has made me realise I am completley and utterly not ready for that moment yet. I think I would just fall to pieces. I hope you are so happy and enjoying every moment of your life. At the end of the day,this life is all we have. I wanted my life with you. But things never work out as planned.
Maybe I will see you.
Maybe.
One day.
I know that a small part of me is still in love with you.
I know that for sure.

that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sad from time to time, that I don’t ever get angry, or pissed off.

I’m happy. I feel grateful for my life :) I’ve come from what the “average” person, if there is an “average” person would consider tough. I’ve been abused, sexually, emotionally, mentally & physically, suffered neglect as a child. I’ve come through it, I’ve healed.

My life is less than perfect, I have very little money & at times I really don’t know where the cash is going to come from to pay my rent or buy my food. I’m not extravagant- I don’t spend anything on what I don’t need.

I’m happy.

I’m single, and sure at times that’s a lonely.

I’m happy.

I’m grateful that I have the life I have, that I value the skills and qualities that I have in myself

I’m grateful for the wonderful loving friends that are around me.

I’m grateful for the internet to be able to connect with people, then meet them in “real” life too.

I’m grateful for the warm home I’m in tonight.

I’m so blissfully happy at the potential and the possibilities that are building and growing in my life each and every day.

I’m happy & I’m honest.

I love my life :)

Sometimes, I focus on a particular post on this site and imagine it’s written by him, even though I know he’d never write here. He doesn’t deal in feelings and emotions, doesn’t see the point.

He never explained to me why he stopped loving me, never felt sad when we broke up, never shared his dreams with me, and always mocked me for mine. He told me I was a dreamer. It was unrealistic and unhealthy, he told me. Based on Disney films, he said.

And he took my dreams, and crushed them, and then walked away grinning. I don’t think he even meant to. He just doesn’t *feel*.

I’m moving on, but I just wish… I just wish he would feel something of the hurt, pain, confusion, sadness, loneliness, sadness, or rejection that I feel. There he is, surrounded by other girls, having fun, glad to be rid of me, and it’s not fair. I’d give anything to be like him. Not to feel. Not to hurt. Not to care.

So sometimes I look at posts here that read like something I would love to hear from him. From men who do feel, who do hurt, and who do care. I know they’re not from him. But in some sad way, it makes me feel a tiny bit better to imagine that they might, just possibly might be.

All the post’s of late seem to be sad, depressed, unloved. Are we all really that unhappy right now ?

Where is all the love, new love, achievements etc – Do we just need to flip the glass half empty to half full and lets all try to be positive .

Not that all the above doesn’t apply in life – of course it does but lets not let it take us over!