If I could turn the clock back

I met a guy 2 years ago. It was a month before i sat my final exams in college. From the moment we met there was this huge spark between us – something i have never felt before and something i havent felt with anyone since then! I was 22 and he was 30. I, foolishly, fell in love with him too quickly. If i wasnt with him, i’d spend all day and night thinking about him. We had known each other about a week when he asked could we be boyfriends. Sure I was over the moon. This was it. I was going to finish college. I had a job lined up. I had a boyfriend. This was what i wanted more than anything in the world.

So I’d be studying, or trying to study, for my exams and he’d call. I’d tell him i was studying and he’d say “well lets just meet up for half an hour. I’d love to see ya”. So we’d meet up for half an hour or so and talk and have a laugh. Then i’d go home and continue studying. But I couldnt really concentrate. He had consumed my every thought.

My exams came. I was pleased with them. I started my new job the week after the exams were over. The following week I moved out of home to be closer to work which was an hour away. I was still only half an hour away form my boyfriend so it was perfect. It was a very emotional time moving out of home. But I knew i had to do it. First night in a strange house I was finding it difficult to go asleep. 12.30 came on the clock and my phone rang. It was him. I picked it up and said hello. No answer, all i could hear was muffled noise. I could hear him talking to someone else. I assumed he was dropping some of his family to the pub or picking them up as he does that quiet a lot. For some reason I listened a second longer. Something wasn’t right. The conversation turned to that of a sexual nature. They were talking about having sex together. He was clearly with someone else. I hung up and rang him back to confront him. No answer. He rang back after half an hour and said he was in bed, I woke him up when i rang and he went to the shop to get credit to call me back. Well it all came out. I was devastated. Completely devastated. I fell so hard.

The following day in work, I struggled to keep my emotions together. I was still in the training stage so wasnt actually doing work but my emotions were noticed and my manager asked was everything ok. I just broke down and told him I had split with my boyfriend last night. He sent me home for the day. I was mortified. What a bad start.

I managed to hold it together the next day and it got better. My boyfriend wanted to remain friends but i wanted to hate him. I couldnt hate him. I still loved him. After a while we got back together only to split up again in a few weeks time as it was just ridiculous. But by then I did want to remain friends.

Then my exam results were issued. I got a 2:2 degree. I was aiming for a 2:1 and i was only 2% away from a 2:1 degree. I appealed and got all my papers rechecked. The results still held. So here I was, holding a 2:2 degree, single, lonely in a new town, work was stressful. It had all turned out wrong.

Now, I am proud of my 2:2 degree. There is not one thing wrong with it. But now i found myself out of work. Companies are requiring a minimum of 2:1 degrees. Colleges are only considering 2:1 degrees for masters programs etc.

I cant help but blame him for this. If it werent for him I would have been fully concentrating on my exams and I would have got my 2:1 degree. Maybe if I hadnt such a bad start at work I would have liked it there. I just had to leave that job and that town as soon as possible as I felt that nothing had gone right for me since the day i moved there.

I wish to God that I could turn the clock back and just do them few things differently.

I’m still really good friends with him. Confusing eh?

It’s Not Fair But…

I still blame myself for losing our baby. And I know that you do too.

Scary Stuff

Tonight I read my 1993 diaries. Oh God. really quite scary. Strangely, some of my clearest memories are there – am wondering if it’s because I committed them to paper?

At that time, I wrote about an unobtainable love interest – it was really powerful stuff – very real and the memories came flooding back as I read. The thing is, now I’m 41 I’m not sure I’ve actually learned anything since then. Sadly, I think I could be writing the exact same words for my present perspective. (just to add, it’s not like I haven’t been with anyone since then) But, truthfully, I could have written the same sentiment 9although possibly not as eloquently (that’s another discussion altogether) – do we just keep repeating the lesson. I feel like I’ve come a long way but have I?

So, You’d Taken Off Your Ring

and I’d gotten hooked.

I became the “other woman” and I loved you, and I painfully accepted reality, and I fell out of love with you…

Then in a weak moment I’d contacted you and we chatted, we indulged our sexual fantasies over the internet, while your wife was sleeping in your bed, above your head. You were talking to me, telling me what you’d like to do to me.

It wasn’t good for me. I’d stayed up way too late. I found it hard to focus today at work, got half of what I could have gotten done done.

I’m starting to feel angry with you now. You’re an arrogant fucker. I won’t meet you again. You said if I met you again I’d be yours forever. Not fucking likely you tosser!

Yeah I contacted you, yeah I regret it. I’m not fucking doing anything I regret more than that though.
The spell was broken when I realised you didn’t give a fuck about me, yeah you’re great at the mental mind fuck, the emotional mind fuck. You knew I was yours completely and you were afraid of the consequences that’s why you drew back. For that I’m grateful.

You’re a fucker, an arrogant arsehole incapable of listening THAT’s why you feel NO ONE listens to YOU arsehole.

No one helps you because you don’t let them I could’ve helped you, more than you’ll ever know. But you were so fucking arrogant you thought you knew more than me. You do about lots of things.

I’m certainly not going to give you the pleasure of fucking me. Not again.

Im not me

To the world i appear happy,out going a good laugh. To my family im depressed, bitter and upset. So why is it i can not be good me all the time?

Gentleman Caller

You broke my heart and left. I crumbled cracked and had to remind myself to breathe again. I decided to be strong and put myself back together. To do it, I had to hate you, loathe you to make sure you’d never get close to me.
It worked for a few months until you were just a dull ache, a nagging in my head telling me I needed you, but I was stronger. I didn’t break at the thought of you, I was moving on. Ignoring your calls and texts was getting easier.
You called last night out of the blue and I answered without looking, you told me you loved me, that I’m the “One”, I could tell you meant it.
Suddenly all the work I put into being “whole” without you is thrown out, exposed as a sham- it didn’t work, I’m not me without you around to keep me steady.
You said you love me, I’m awake again, happy, thrilled, ecstatic..

But mostly I’m terrified, I can’t get hurt again. So I hung up the phone paniced.
Maybe he’ll call again??

How much does it take?

You keep trying to break me.

You will succeed eventually.

Why do I keep letting you?

How much of your shit does it take for me to walk?

Guess we’ll find out.

Lonely

It’s not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, it’s NOT.

I don’t want to feel like this any more. He didn’t love me enough to stay with me. I don’t love myself enough to keep going without him.

A door.

I haven’t been outside the house in four days, haven’t even thought about going past the front door…and the thing that scares me more than anything is that I can’t see any possibility of leaving the house tomorrow.

What I haven’t told you

You’re arrogant. You’re a slob. You’re impossible to relate to, because you have no understanding of human needs and emotions. You’re rude, thoughtless, and condescending. You’re a control freak. You’re disgusting – stains on your t-shirts, snot always peeping from a nostril, a brown patch always on the toilet seat because you have so little concept of personal hygiene that you don’t even take care to wipe your arse properly. You’re petty and childishly stubborn. You’re moody and sulky. You’re a bully. You’re impatient, bad-tempered and frightening. You’re incapable of accepting responsibility or blame. You’re a bastard.

And you have the fucking nerve to tell me that it’s all my fault? That my flaws are the reason we didn’t work?

I’d pity you if I didn’t hate you so much. You arrogant, pompous, condescending, self-righteous, inhuman, weird, thoughtless, rude, disgusting, sad, comfort-eating, lonely little arsehole.

step one: admit you have a problem

I only remembered the other day that i had to go see a psychiatrist when i was a teenager. It did no good to me.
I think i need one now.
Even though I fear I will break I’ll never go back again.

Mr. Kildare Street

Veni, Verdi, Velcro…

I came, I conquered and I am damn well sticking!

You don’t scare me Mr. Kildare Street……..and all your efforts to try and destroy my reputation, my integrity, my life, will backfire on you, mark my words!

I’ve known you a few years.

I never imagined you to be a psycho, but you are. I cringe at the thought of ever being close to you, It makes me feel physically sick. I feel repulsion.

You are a psycho with no conscience. But what psycho has?

But…

I’m ready.

I’m ready for whatever you throw at me.

How do you sleep at night?

after what you did to me? what you are trying to do to me!

make whatever statements you want

Lets see how you back them up when you have to stand in front of a Judge.

and you will…..stand before a Judge.

And I’m going to tell the whole world what you are really like. I’ll make sure the media are there…. when the time is right,…. everyone of consequence. I’ve nothing to be ashamed off. I’ve done nothing. Just because you boast about having a Government job, does not make you immune. How will your colleagues react when they see emails you sent slagging them off? making indignent comments about them? Oh yes, I intend to put them on show for all to see, in the name of justice!

I’m biding my time. Waiting….

Bring it on Mr. Kildare Street.

Does this sound bitter?

You betcha.

The tide always turns and I hope it turns on you soon.

Engaging your friends, family, your druggie housemate (your words!) and her friend to lie, create falsehoods, using corrupt Gardai to try and get at me and intimidate and harass me. I never knew you were connected to ‘him’, but looking back you suddently appeared in my life at around the same time. The same time I made that complaint.

It didn’t and is not going to work!

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I’m too strong for that and I won’t back down.

You will have to justify your actions and I will be looking you straight in the eye.

Deleting your past wont save you.

Death by triangulation

You blip into MSN, I stare at the name, type a reply and before I hit enter you’re gone. I curse myself for being ‘invisible’ clearly in more ways than one. As much as I understand you, I don’t. You probably didn’t even come online looking for me, for someone else, not for one of our chats where we get emotional and I break down your stoic barriers better than anyone else.

When I email you or text you I have no idea if she is reading them, she read your emails, then sent me that one about me ‘winning you’ as if you were some giant stuffed panda at a carnival. ‘He’s the only man I ever loved’. Seriously, you people are two decades older than me and yet you’re trapped in some soap opera of cliches.

You should change your passwords, even I figured them out, I looked only once and you were smart enough to delete your inbox but not your sent items. You’d been sniffing around an ex. I figured out your past that you had been with one woman, then taken up with another, the first Rebecca found out about Aine and left you, so, you were left with Aine. She tried to tell me that once, or something of it ‘I assume he told you how we met?’ I brushed off the question with a sure, because we never discussed your girlfriend her at all.

Our friendship had been internet based, I stayed with you and her one weekend. You said she would be cool about it, we were friends, we never flirted we just were stupidly emotionally open. She went to bed, I was drunk, I cuddled you because I wanted that, just cuddling. She came in and acted as if she’d caught us doing half the karma sutra. I found out then, well not then, after maybe, you didn’t cuddle, there was an intimacy broken somewhere. When I held your hand, you held it as if it had been years, it had.

We acted normal, all three of us, as if she didn’t hate me. You took me to the airport and I kissed your lips, nothing passionate, nothing tawdry, just a simple jesture of something. I affected us deeply.

After a month or two, the ‘The only man I’ve ever loved’ email came, she’d completely misinterpreted an email I’d sent about meeting you, all hell broke loose. She thought I wanted to fuck you, I didn’t, I liked the emotional closeness but I’m not a cheater, I had my own boyfriend who frankly beat you hands down. But still I liked you being in my life and then after I asked you on the phone ‘Do you love her?’ you pretended you didn’t hear, we said our goodbyes and you broke contact. For months.

In the time of nothingness was when I figured your password and read your emails, I needed an answer, something, I blamed her, then you, then myself, finally no one.
Three times since then you have randomly appeared online and I say I won’t talk to you, but I do. And we talk and emotions get dragged up and you said that I should email you, anything, everything nothing. I did, you didn’t respond. And I go through the whole thing again, blaming her, you, myself, no one.

I have no idea what you want or do not want from me. The saddest thing you ever said, that I was the romance in your life. In the quiet moments when I think of you I thank you for one thing, the ability to never take closeness for granted, to never be able to touch another’s hand with such intimacy and not see it for how beautiful it is.

Even though you have shut me out of your life I wish with all my heart that romance finds another door in.

First Death

“After the first death there is no other.” – Dylan Thomas

In the vain expectations of divine salvation
The descending darkness I withstand.
And through the window God’s cruel creation -
A night so close I can touch with my hand.
Like a ball of fire each black star
Freezes me, leaves me deathly cold.
There is no mercy. And each distant car
Echoes my silent world. Stars once were gold
As sunshine – now I can no longer say
Where each day begins or where it dies
The colours never change: eternal gray
Is created by my countless cries.
So I live in the night, only dark can fulfil me.
This is death, and no other can kill me.

From Admin

Hi. The Lives Of Others will be fairly quiet over the next week as there’s no-one here to cut, paste and approve.

Please do keep submitting your posts, normal service will resume late next week.

Listen

On discovering this site, I have at last stumbled across somewhere where it doesn’t matter if nobody listens. Somewhere where it’s possible to say what you might not ever have been able to say otherwise. So this is my story.
I’m an ordinary 17 year old girl: I go to sixth form. I enjoy going out with my friends. I’ve had a job. I’ve had a boyfriend. I am, however, aware that I’m still young –still innocent and ignorant of most of the ways of the world. Perhaps that’s not quite so ordinary, but all it takes is a little logic.
It could have been different though. I could have turned into my mum’s nightmare. It would have been all too easy.
When I was nine, my dad passed away. I was too young to understand what it really meant. I cried because everybody else was crying. I didn’t understand that it meant he would never come home again. Through time, of course, that changed. My young mind began to grasp what had happened.
I cried then –when nobody else saw me.
I started to collect little pieces of him to remind me. Things he had given me. Things that smelt like him. Pieces of music he had recorded. I wrote down as much of him as I could remember.
I never spoke to anyone about how I felt. Those closest to me were going through the same thing; and much as I loved my mum, it terrified me the way she could explode in anger or break down in tears. She threw herself into doing things that she could no way have done in ordinary circumstances: smashing up concrete foundations, heaving a giant wooden wardrobe down the garden.
I hated the way that people at school treated me as if I was wrapped in cotton wool. I hated the way they would watch what they would say around me, and eyed me like a ticking bomb when they said something that they thought might upset me. People didn’t know how to react. Fair enough.
But all I wanted was to be normal. All I wanted was to fit in.
What I wanted most was for people to be straight; to ask what they wanted –not to treat me like an alien.
Only very few people did though.
So, I told nobody.

In my case, this didn’t result in the self-destruction that it could have. I was lucky; I was surrounded and supported by those who loved me –although they never knew exactly how I felt. Life became the relative normal I so wanted.

If ever I could give any advice to anyone, it would be just to ask. To ask without fear, and then to listen. Listen because there might not be anybody else to listen. Listen because of all of those that don’t. You don’t have to say anything. Just listen.
It would have helped me.
It could help someone else.

Always is too long while you’re waiting

I haven’t written here in a while. I don’t mean to make you feel used or anything; i’ve just been busy.

Anyway; tonight was “her” again. It’s always “her”. For all of us. That one. That “one”.

I love her. I tell her I love her. It might seem jovial and half-hearted, but to me it’s sincere. I meant it more the first time I said it, probably; but that was more of an event. It was the first time! I still do. It’s just lost meaning in its repetition.

I don’t know if she loves me too. Should she? Can she? I don’t mean to obligate the girl… but it’d be nice. “I love you too”. I don’t even know what i’d do if she said that.

I hope i’d still love her. Just so it wouldn’t be another throwaway infatuation that seemed to take life. Every man has those; no matter how manly he might seem to be. If time was a currency, this one’s loaded.

Does time give meaning? Well, what did that time mean?

In hindsight – not a lot, really.

Our little secret

This is my favourite site on the whole internet. I love it so much. But I will never tell another living soul about it in case they look at it and realise that it’s me, talking about them!

tee he he he

Wanting to be Somebody…

I sometimes wonder if I’m ever cut out to be someone great.

I want to feel someone praising me because I did something worthwhile rather than hear screams of anger due to minute incorrect details. I don’t want to feel that everyone else is far better than me for a change. Or be paranoid of what other people perceive me as. I don’t want to see others look at me with pity as I bust my ass working while they see it as something totally unnecessary.

I want to be noticed.. I want to feel accepted.. For once, I want to be Somebody who I can be proud of. Even just this once…

I’m not a hermit

Why is it that everyone on the internet thinks you have to be ‘friends’ with them or you dont like them? why the constant need for approval/acceptance from strangers? I’m not a loner, but I do pick and choose my real friends carefully; if I can count my true friends on one hand I consider myself terribly fortunate. These are people that I could call in the middle of the night and say ‘I’m in jail in Timbucktwo, come get me’ and they would. Just because you get to know someone on line doesnt mean you are friends, nor should you be! I just get so tired of the bullshit and dramatics though! If you dont talk to them for a week you’ve hurt their feelings, if you grow apart and quit conversing with them you’ve injured their self esteem, if you drop someone off your FB, Myspace, Twitter etc list for whatever reason, suddenly you’re the bad guy and should rot in hell. Bullshit. If you would never be mates in real life, why the heck are you ‘friends’ online? Seems such a waste of precious energy to me to try to keep up with ‘peeps’ just to avoid bruising their egos. If that makes me worthy of being despised I guess so be it.

Should I give up? (part 2)

So after the cold shoulder treatment had started again, it suddenly stopped.

I got an email from her, we exchanged messages, we chatted. It was all very nice.

We were out after work on Friday with work folk for someone leaving. We chatted. About dating. About likes/dislikes/ About our selves. It was fun.

We texted each other later. The details would be too obvious, but it definitely seemed like something was there.

I called her today. Her voicemail. I asked her out.

So about a month after she had txtd me telling me she’d like to go out, telling me she wanted me to call her, she txts me this evening and following crappy small talk, apologies that she’s doing it by txt but that she ‘kind of seeing someone at the moment’. What the hell is that?

It really, really hurt.

Our Story

It’s time to tell our story. And this is the only place I can do it.

I met you on MySpace almost, or over, 3 years ago. I fell for your cheeky grin in your pictures, the tattoos, the dreads – the excitement of it all. We chatted on MSN constantly, swapping numbers eventually. I fell hard.

We flirted but you never seemed to show any interest, real interest. I was never sure where I stood with you and I guess that added to your charm, being kept on my toes.

I dated other guys, you went to Wales to meet your internet love. I was so unbelievably jealous. I remember you telling me about her, and I remember sitting up in Rob’s garden crying my eyes out.

One day, I was in town with Rob and Stephen, another dread wearing MySpace crush. We were standing in Central Bank chatting and deciding what to do. You walked by me. I stood, frozen to the spot. I couldn’t wave at you or make eye contact because then I would have to introduce you and Stephen and that would have made the whole thing a lot more real. Rob saw you. I knew that from the swift elbow to the ribs.

We went to Starbucks. I texted you – “you just walked by me!”. You rang me, asking me to come meet you. I said no. Told you I was in Starbucks with friends.

That was that.

You could have come to me – but you didn’t.

I could say we lost contact. I could say we drifted apart. But the truth of it is – you just cut contact one day. Like you could just forget that I was ever in your life. Fair enough I was never physically in your life, but I was still part of it. I was never a physical part of it because you never gave us a chance.

I must not have been pretty enough or cool enough. Whatever it was – I wasn’t enough for you back then.

Then I met him. We fell in love. He loved me, loves me. I was more than enough for him.

And then it came to light, to his and my suprise – that you were his best mate. And suddenly our history had the spotlight shone on us and we were forced to explain ourselves. We managed to laugh it off and there were many comments about ‘how small a world’ it was.

It didn’t last.

There was the party. I had been off the smokes for about 7 weeks or something. It was my first time drinking though, while being off them. You were outside smoking. I was drunk. I begged you for a smoke and you gave in. We met in secret round the side of the house every hour or so. I begged you not to tell him.

Then there was the 21st. We were all posh and uncivilised that night.

I can’t remember specifics of what happened when or who did what – we kissed – I know that much. You were walking me up to my room because I’d had a fight with him. I’d been crying. I think. I’m not sure, there were so many tears that night. I’m sorry for making you cry. For making him cry.

We took the stairs. Why? Why didn’t we get in the lift? What made us take the stairs?

I was pressed against the wall when we kissed. I could feel you. I wanted you. More than I had wanted you in the 2 years previous to our meeting. It stopped. We walked on. We kissed again. I was pressed into a corner as we tugged at each other, trying to get closer than we already were. Impossible.

There was drama that night, that I apologise for. The guy who hit you had no right to. I wished I could have been there to comfort you that night. To hold you. I never wanted that kiss to end.

It’s all I think of. That kiss. Even to this day.

I asked you that night if you loved me. We cried. I asked you was it possible to love two people at the same time. We cried.

You told me the answer to my first question a month ago – a year to the day that we kissed in the hotel.

I cried then too.

I love you. I love you with my heart.

I love him too. That’s the problem.

He loves me.

Part of me gets very angry when I think about you and ‘us’.You could have had me – in all senses of the word – anytime when you knew me before. I was yours on a plate.

Do you only want me now because I’m his? Because I can’t be yours? Is this all to do with the fact that you can’t have me, that I’m off limits. Is it a game to you? I know it’s not though, and I know we’re both equally tormented by this sick and twisted relationship. I was texting you in bed for fuck sake – with him asleep beside me! That’s sick and twisted. And yet I don’t want it to stop.

I’m terrified of the day when he ends our relationship – or I end it. Simply because I’ll have no excuse to see you anymore. Maybe that’s the only reason that this has lasted as long as it has

Guilty Feelings

I wish her death would come soon, so she can be at peace and we can have our lives back

Now I know

I was in love once. A relationship that lasted many years. While it did last, it was great. It ended. It’s finished.

A friend jokes that I’m a man whore now. I’m not wreckless, but I am “playing the filed”. I’m searching for love. The funny thing is, I’m already in love. I see her almost every day. I think about her every day. She is so beautiful. So smar. So attractive.

I’d tell her how I feel, but you can’t do that. Can you? Would you want someone telling you they love you. I really do.

If I have to ask…

…then I think I already know the answer to my question.

Am I in love?

I’ve being seeing a guy for nearly a year. Love spending time with him, we have a laugh, we get on and we’ve never had an argument but we don’t really ‘talk’. Not about our fears, our hopes, our dreams. We just go from day to day in the moment. We don’t think too far ahead, we don’t plan too far in advance.

When I think of not being with him, it scares me, makes me sad. But not sure if the being scared and sad is more about being on my own again and less about not being with him?

I get butterflies when I know he’s calling over. The sex is amazing. And I miss him when we’re not together.

Am I in love?

Not yet.

Just a fool

Three months ago today, I met somebody.
At the time, I didn’t understand how I felt. When he was near me I felt awkward and inadequate.. scared of saying the wrong thing. But then when he wasn’t nearby I felt almost lost somehow -I wanted him to come back again.
I got the impression that he liked me, and my sister said afterwards that he was flirting with me (I’ve never been overly confident in my own judgement!).
Later, I added him on facebook and we left each other a couple of messages. I found myself obsessively checking the computer and feeling bitterly disappointed when he hadn’t replied yet. After a while, it sort of fizzled out.. we agreed that if we were ever in the same area then we would have to meet up.
But it’s nearly two months since then.. and not a sound.
I feel like such a fool. Maybe he’s just as shy as me, but my guess is that he was never really that interested in the first place. I’m too terrified to ever ask him outright but I’m infected too.
I know I’m by no means the first or the last person to experience anything like this. I know that there are people in much worse situations. I know I sound pathetic and like a hundred and one other people, but it still hurts.
I think it’s best just to move on.. another hole in my heart.

.Just a fool.

sick of being stuck

I’m sick. I’m really sick. sweating. head pounding. throat bearly able to swallow and feels like sand. But I’m here. I don’t get sick pay. I pretend I’m well or they’ll send me home. fckers. They get sick pay and holidays and they forget what it’s like. Now with “things as they are” there will no be no more full-time staff added. Not seeing another job. Stuck. I hate it. Love what I do but can’t take the stress of this in-stability. I’m stuck financially. He pays the lions share. He says he loves me and I go numb. I might have loved him once but I just don’t know anymore. I’m feeling trapped there too. Stuck. Inside and Out. and now I’m sick. and I don’t know what to do. I want to win the lotto, pay all debts and just disappear. pay him off for my guilty concience. I’ve never cheated, I couldn’t break his heart, but oh how I want to, I need to feel. something. anything. freedom. But I’m stuck.and I’m sick. and I don’t know what to do. help me.

Worried

I’m worried how my parents will take the fact that I’m bisexual, but also asexual.

Letting go

You treated me like a dirty little secret. The worst thing is that I let you. I can look back now and see what I fool I was but at the time I was happy to be in a relationship and have someone else to do things with and share memories together. Now I realise I was being used. Big time.
Your friends knew.
My friends suspected and didn’t like you.

I’ll never really know what was going on with you or why you ended things suddenly I suspect the lies you were telling had caught up with you. It doesn’t matter anymore and I know that being out of that ‘relationship’ is the best thing that could have happened. But I need to learn to forgive myself for letting you treat me the way you did, no love, no respect and all for your own satisfaction. I listened to the lies.

I accept my part in it all but I’m sorry I didn’t show myself more love and respect and walk away. But then again you knew how to play me.

I never told you. I took it all in my stride and part of me thinks I should have let you have it. I should have had the showdown. Demanded to know what the hell was going on and not the cock and bull story you gave me. I feel you got off lightly and I was left to squirm. But I was trying to reclaim some self respect so I took it all on the chin and continued to let you emotionally beat me up by parading your new girlfriend in front of me and everyone else. Where I was a secret, you proudly walked hand in hand with her.
That cut me to the bone.

And what could I do? It confirmed what a horrible person you had been to me and reminded me of the huge mistake I had made.

My only consolation is that by being with you I knew what to steer clear of and when I found true love I didn’t say no because I know it’s a rare find and I have embraced it.

And now I’m letting go and forgiving myself for the mistakes I made with you. I was searching for love and didn’t know it.

But I know now.

Back to school

I have this problem which is getting bigger and bigger and bigger every day. It’s really starting to annoy me and piss me off. Now I am by no means perfect. I was good at English in school but not fantastic. But this problem is becoming increasingly common day by day.

The problem is….bad spelling and poor grammar! I don’t know whether it stems from the whole email/text/spell check language or what but everywhere I look these days people cant spell anymore, they are unable to use full stops, comma’s, apostrophe’s or they just spell really badly. Now I know I am guilty of this myself on occasion but that is mainly due to typing too fast and misspelling words.

In a formal setting I would always ensure to use the correct punctuation, the correct spelling, the correct case on words etc. So imagine my annoyance when I get an email from somebody I don’t know about a job, and she is the manager of an organisation, and she wrote the whole email in lower case, there was no sign of a full stop or a comma and some basic words had the letters mixed up. I know she was probably rushed off her feet but surely she has spell check even?

It’s really grating on me. I think it may be a form of OCD which amuses me because I must be mad in the head or something for letting it bother me.

And now I am paranoid that I did something wrong in this post……..oh the mortification of “you’d want to practice what you preach”. But I’d find that amusing. That would be a bit like spelling the word “spell” wrong.

Oh and I have this friend who is texting a new love interest at the moment. He seems a lovely man really. Has everything going for him. But he cant spell “don’t”. Instead he spells it as “dount”. That one flaw alone is enough to turn her off him completely. So at least I’m not alone in my frustration.

I think people could do with a little refresher course in the basics of English. Back to school for them!

Always a friend, never more

I’m that guy. Your friend. The one you trust. The one you tell your secrets to. The one who’ll answer the phone at 3am and give you a lift to wherever you need. I give you advice when you want it, the guy’s point of view. I compliment you on your new hair, your new shoes, your new top….. I notice these things.

And for most of you, that’s all I want to be.

But for one of you, I wish it was more.

The thoughts never crossed your mind.

That makes me sad

Should I give up?

I really like her. More then I’ve liked anyone in a long time.

We met in work. We chatted. We messaged. We were meant to go out.

I asked her out several times. She always had a reason she couldn’t go out; too busy, away for the weekend etc. etc. One week we’d chat. Then the next week she’d almost ignore me. I gave up. I assumed she didn’t like me and didn’t have the nerve to tell me. Weeks passed.

Then out of the blue I heard from her. She explained why we hadn’t gone out, and it made sense. I believed it. She asked me to call her. She said she wanted me to call her.

I called her. She didn’t answer. I called again. She didn’t answer. But then we did end up out. Not alone but with colleagues. She had to go home early but we spent the evening talking. It was great. Then last week.

Again it seems I’m getting the cold shoulder. I txt and get no response. I don’t get it. If a girl explicitly tells you to call her, surely she wants you to call her?

Erm..

My name is Aoife. My surname begins with C. I lived in Leixlip until January this year.

Yesterday I got an email with this link attached.

http://thelivesofothers.wordpress.com/2009/05/07/im-such-a-coward/

I think it’s me.

Stop it

I know you’ve been talking about me. I’m not that shallow. It’s not like the clues you’ve left behind aren’t that obvious. But I’ve had enough. I don’t know if our friends knew that I knew who you were talking about. Because they kept talking and talking and talking and talking about us while you entertain all of it. Of course, it’s about you, isn’t it?

Now, here you are, flirting with that girl you barely know! And you say that you don’t like her and would not dare pursue her because of me. That’s BS.

Truthfully, I am just really confused. I just want this to end. I just want you to stop talking to her so I could be at peace. I just want you to say what feelings you have towards me so I could dump you easily. That way, we could get on with our lives.

Don’t worry, won’t bother you anymore with those love-sick questions. I’m already taken.

knowing…

My Ex always knows when…….

My ex always seems to get in contact with me just when things start to go wrong in my life. I think to myself How is this possible? The answer is Im not even sure if it is possible for him to have such a 6th sense about this but again it will happen out of the blue and for no apparent reason. Are the gods above trying to tell me something or is it just a coincidence? Again Im not sure… Im just amazed at this happening as there will be no contact with each other for months at a time and then There my ex is..

Confusing

Strange

Creepy??

A short road to the gutter..

Hi,
Im a 38 yr old male on the way down to the gutter..
My life was fun and full of success up until 5 or 6 yrs ago. I was married to a lovely fun girl and happy.. Now i live with a prostitue and i am basically a pimp / drug addict.
When i was with my wife i owned 2 houses and bought a new car every 2 years.
I now have nothing except a battered old car and live for getting high.
I have 2 girls working for me and live on my nerves every minute of every dirty grey miserable day.
The only way out of this mess is suicide.
My family know nothing..
I get it together once a month to visit them and play the game.
I have cut myself off from my friends and my only company / friends are my 2 crazy whores…
I am ashamed of what i have become..
I thought my life with my wife was boring. I realise now it wasnt..
If i could turn back the clock i would..
Any man reading this should treasure his wife and family and keep his fantasies as fantasies…

Sabotaged By Me

I can’t stop thinking about this and don’t know how to process it in my little head. I seem to keep sabotaging my own happiness….and I don’t know WHY I do it.

My friend, my best friend. I am in love with him and I starting to think that he loves me too. Not in the “I lvove my best friend” way, coz I already know that he loves me like that. But in a fancying way. I always thought it was the other way round, that I fancied him secretly and he felt nothing. People are always guessing it and saying it to both of us, coz we act and seem so like a couple so often. But no, we always maintain we are “just good friends”

Until a few months ago on a drunken night out he made a move on me. So, we were together, it was lovely and immediately the next day went back to being “just good friends” I guess we were both so worried that it would affect our friendship. But it hasn’t and to this day we haven’t spoken about it, or us.

Last weekend, it happened again. He made the move (drunkenly) and again we had an amazing time and again didn’t talk about it the next day.

This was different though, I thought that maybe, just maybe he might be coming around to that way of thinking. Of me not as a best-friend, but maybe something more.

This is what I have been dreaming about for months, years now! So, why – WHY the very next night when we were out together again did I run off on him and kiss another guy? Why would someone do that? Sabotage their own happiness…..he is the one I want to be with!!

Or is he? There is something (I can’t explain what) in my gut that says it isn’t the right time for us.

Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball to see what was going to happen. But it would probably devestate me if I could see. The excitement is the journey, right?

God, I am so confused and I want to talk to him about it. He would be the person go to talk to most things about but I can’t open up to him. I think he would go running for the hills – there is just too much at stake…

Help appreciated guys – words of wisdom or advice, all taken on board….

Moving On

We talked this week about moving in together. It wasn’t that our relationship has progressed to that stage of it being the right thing to do, rather awkward circumstances have brought it do the surface. I’m shitting myself at the thought of it.

I don’t think it will happen.

I really hope it does though. I love you. I want to take care of you.

Everyone else can see it, why can’t you?

Why can’t you see what an ass he is, everyone else can. He won’t change, he never will, he’ll still treat you like shit, he’ll still act the dick around you, he’ll still ignore you when he feels like it, he’ll still flirt with others.

Why can’t you see it? Why can’t you just open your eyes?

I’m sick of being the one you complain to. I’m sick of being the devils advocate. I’m sick of being second-best.

I told you ‘No regrets’. I told you how I felt.

Fuck you. I’m leaving soon. Don’t contact me again.

 

(Jesus, writing that felt so good)

Kenny Rogers knows I can’t make you love me

I would still take him back.

Despite the fact that he used me, made me fall in love with him, and cast me aside, I would still go back to him.

I can only tell you this because my friends all assume that I hate him too much now; that all I would do if I saw him is cockpunch him and walk away laughing. But if I saw him, I would crumble.

I would go back to him, even though he went back to her.

Can she be the right one for him? I was so sure it was me.

I would still take him back. But he doesn’t want to come.