Here Today

I don’t care if some people wish we would use this blog for a happier place sometimes.  There isn’t a person I know who knows the real me

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Hollowness is not something most would associate with being an emotion, lately I’ve been finding it hard to find another definition for it.

All I do most days is find the faults in myself and I haven’t got the strength or desire to change them, physical or mental.

Very often I will hide away from people giving poor excuses and being unsociable.  Those who know me from the surface will find this odd when it happens.

Even when I’m having a good day, I get drawn into the darkness and can’t help but feel sorry for myself again

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Neither the feeling of being pathetic or triumphant is enough to turn it around.

Over and over again I tell myself to wake up and turn it around, but what’s the point?

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Ordinary people don’t understand.

Nobody does, truly.

Even if I were to seek professional help, they’d be looking at it from other experiences and text book knowledge.  I’m different

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The days blend into one and I can see no hope in the future for it ever changing.

Overall, I feel like I’m choking

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There is nothing in particular that has me this way, it’s a combination of numerous things.

Ambition and drive left me long ago along with the need to please others and seek praise.

Love is something I have experienced from others, but something I have never felt towards another person.

Kindness is becoming an extremely laborious task

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Today was not a good day, but it wasn’t unlike any other.

One day, perhaps I’ll find the courage to find a way out.

What mums do best

I am so very grateful that I have my mammies shoulder to cry on.

There’s nothing like a mum’s hug to make that mountain look more like a mole hill.

Thanks mum.

I’m gutted

This is not a life and death matter. This isn’t a relationship matter. This isn’t even important in the grand scheme of things, but I’m gutted nontheless.

My favorite band has lost it’s drummer. I won’t name the band because it’s not official and it really doesn’t matter who it is… but I’m bummed. And what else bums me is that none of my other friends care enough to even give me an ‘awww that’s too bad’ when I mentioned it in my daily email this morning. Sigh.

As I said, tis not life and death or even important, but I still feel like I’ve lost my best friend! And to make matters worse, I can’t decide if they’re going to stay my favorite band, or if the loss of one of their key members will have such an effect as to render them no longer relevant in my own life, and in the music business. Sigh.

when is a lie not a lie

in a recent, frank and honest conversation i lied to my partner. i know.

the question.

“are any of your parents alcoholics”

shame swept over me so i lied.

i did not know whether i was more mad at her for asking such a question or mad at my parents or mad at the rug its been swept under all these years.

What a difference a week makes

I thought I’d come back and give an update. I’ve been on the thyroid meds for just over a week now and have noticed little things improving.

-my eyesight has cleared. No longer do i feel as if i have a snow storm on the inside of my eye balls (this was a huge relief)
-my face is leaner looking. I havent lost weight, but the puffiness is gone – i was beginning to look like Renee Zelwigger in Bridgit Jones!
-all those pesky stray hairs on my chin are gone! (too much info? lol) i’d pull them, a day later they’d be back. They’re gone.
-my taste buds are back. i actually can taste my wild salmon steaks and my lamb curry. And my kim chi pot noodle the other day was too spicy!
-my appetite has increased 200%. This is not necessarily a good thing as I’m hungry every 2 hrs. So hungry that if i dont eat something i feel sick (my friend likens it to morning sickness – ive never had kids so i dont know). I’ve discovered (from talking to others with thyroid issues) that i must eat. and i ‘must eat lean protein. Its hard to find lean protein  – mainly fish and i have a good plant protein shake mix i’m using now too.
-even though i’m eating more, i’ve lost 2 pounds. i feel fatter around my mid section, but my pants are looser in the butt and thighs and I’ve not done any exercise yet, so things are shifting more than it being actual weight loss… i’m happy to have looser assed pants though
-i dont feel like I’m at deaths door knocking to get in. i still dont have a ton of energy, but i’m not that bad. i still feel absolutely spent, climbing the one flight of stairs to our office at work, but i recover quickly. which before, i wasnt doing.

so things are improving slowly. i’m hving wildly vivid and somewhat disturbing dreams though, and thats apparently common for this med. and i’m having trouble falling asleep at night too, but that should sort itself out. My brain is still like mush, but i actually did some real work at the office yesterday for teh first time in months! i felt very accomplished by that