Mum’s The Word

It was my mother’s birthday yesterday. For the first time in living memory I did not get her a birthday present; I did not buy her flowers nor get her a card; I did not visit her, ring her or text her a ‘happy birthday’.

More significantly, I have no guilt about this. That woman has disappointed me too many times across my life for me to feel any guilt. I have given her endless ’second chances’ and have been let down time and time again by a tyrannical, selfish, power-tripping woman.

Earlier this year something happened and all the anger, hatred and resentment I had harboured for her actually disappeared. It was instead replaced with apathy and disinterest. A disinterest in having any further dealings with her.

I am sad – not because I have turned my back on my mother, but because she was never a proper mother to me in the first place. It is a terrible thing when the one person you should be able to rely on above everyone else, your mum, is the one person who consistently causes the most misery.

So, while I will concede that this year, on her birthday, my mother was on my thoughts, I and content with her believing otherwise.

NASA make Nesquick

They bloody must do.

I’ve had a bowl of it sitting here as I surf the net contently forgetting all about it.  30 minutes later, each little boulder is still tooth crackingly solid.

In the aftermath of a nuclear war all that will be left are cock-a-roaches and Nesquick cereal.

update

Okay, so i’ve posted here a few times always anonymously.. but thought I’d post an update on my health issues… maybe it might help someone else. maybe not. I’m the person that has gone through breast cancer/chemo two years ago. I”m the person who complained bitterly of being so totally utterly exhausted that life didnt seem worth it recently. I’m the person who had to take two days to recouperate from having sex, and the same person who just posted this week about being bitterly cold and taking a year off to do nothing but catch up… thats all me. this place has been invaluable to me to vent without revealing myself to people that might know me.

i did get my test results back the other day. there is a hormone that your brain sends to your thyroid, to get it to produce more T4 and T3 hormone… the average reading of the hormone is 0.3-5.5. anything over 10 and you are considered to have thyroid problems – low or hypothyroid. My level came back at 118.5  As my doc said, my brain is literally screaming at my thyroid to get it to work and its not working at all, let alone sluggishly. No damn wonder i felt like i was sinking into a black hole. each day became more difficult to get through – not just the cold and weight gain, but no appetite, no tastebuds, vision problems (that the eye doc said were standard aging), mental fog to the point where ‘d do 7 hrs of internet surfing at work because i coujldnt focus on anything), I literally could feel myself getting worse. from what the doc said, eventually i would have been in hospital due to hypothermia if they didnt catch it.

thank goodness she did. thank goodness i have the personality to keep pushing when i dont feel well. i know my body pretty good. i know a complaint from a serious medical issue, and i’m not willing to take no for an answer if the doc just brushes things off as lack of exercise or depression (and my doc doesnt thankfully).

i’m abit bummed about being on meds for the rest of my life… mainly because it means another organ has shut down or cant be repaired by doing things right… but i’m very grateful that one pill a day will keep me going. its going to take about 6 weeks for me to regain my energy levels they think… hopefully i do regain my former health/energy pre-chemo. At least this has a name and a face and isnt ‘chronic fatigue’ that many women have to endure after chemo. The meds have side effects for me to watch for – heart arrhytmia’s (i already have a heart murmur and pacemaker), seizures, the chance of burnout if the dosage is too high, etc… and there is no guarantee of dropping the extra poundage ive gained, even with diet and exercise (hypothyroidism apparently can reset your body’s ’setpoint’ for life) BUT i’m optimistic. at least i wont feel 30 yrs older than i am! at least i wont have to nap after walking a mile, or nap for half a day after sex! haha.. not unless i want to.  and i already notice a difference after one day of meds – i slept all night without waking up, and i woke up at 6:30am and wasnt tired. AND i’m hungry!!! (and yes thats a good thing )

my soapbox moment? if you feel sick, off, not well, etc… and your doctor keeps telling you its all in your head, and you know it isnt… go find a new doctor. keep at it until you find out what it is wrong… thank god my doc listens to me and works with me – but it still took us 6 months to figure this out. dont let your health suffer beccause of what someone else thinks or says.

you asked for it

from the last bogger:

Sometimes I wish people would use this blog for another outlet other than to bitch to the world.

okay, good things going on in my life, but you’ll probably be bored with it all:

I’m quitting my job come christmas time. gave notice and am taking at least a year off, if not permanently, to rest and recoup, to concentrate on my art and my passions, and use my talents.If i can make money doing it, thats icing o the cake, if not, so what. My partner is financially secure enough and we are downsizing to make this a reality. Life is too short and we both have realized this.

I got to take photos at a concert the other night – on the other side of the barricade. I’ve wanted to do that for years! I have an online magazine that hires me freelance and he was finally able to set something up for me. I forgot to take photo ID (my first ‘real’ contract) and basically bluffed my way into getting a photopass that had been left for me – thank goodness i had my charge card with my name on it or i’d have been SOL.

my doc wants to see me first thing tomorrow morning. I went for blood tests last week – liver function, red and white cell count, thyroid and have more tests this week and next as well. I’m exhausted, painfully cold, losing hair, and have no appetite but have been gaining weight steadily for months.. gained 7 pounds/3kilos last week alone! Usually people dont want to hear ‘we want to see you’ when it comes to test results, but i’m hopeful that there is indeed a physical reason for all this and then we can set about fixing it. Thyroid seems to be the most logical ‘guess’ at this point.

i have a good relationship with my partner. we bathe together every single day. partly because we dont have a shower (its an old house that cant be converted), but also because when his kids came to live here it was the only ‘free time’ we had together away from them both. now that they’re ‘grow’d up and gone’ we still do it nightly. I’ve recently heard that Angelina and Brad PItt do the same. It forces you to talk face to face, and it keeps our relationship fresh and updated as to what each of us is doing at work and thinking and feeling. I love it. and always always bubbles.

guess thats about it. i’m procrastinating   i’m supposed to be writing a concert review to go with those photos i took! shoujld be in by tomorrow morning so he can publish it.

oh.. and i’m the proud aunt of a wonderful nephew who just had a 7th birthday party on saturday, and who’s daddy (my brother, a single dad), spend hours and days organizing a pirate treasure hunt for 5 boys complete with clues on treasure maps and a buried chest of wood filled to the brim with shiny trinkets that the boys had to actually dig up for real. the mom’s were in awe. i was beaming, and snapping pictures all day. it was great.

help

Sometimes I have thoughts that would make people think twice about being my friend.

Sometimes I have thoughts about flipping out and going nuts, killing people just to get rid of the rage I’ve been holding onto for an unrelated event.

Sometimes I have thoughts about what I’d do if I had three free wishes, and those thoughts aren’t much better.

Sometimes I wish everybody would fuck right off and leave me alone.

Sometimes I think that I’m the only one to have these thoughts, that makes me have thoughts of hating people even more.

Sometimes I think I need help, but I need no help in thinking bad thoughts.

Are bad thoughts healthy?

Sometimes I wish people would use this blog for another outlet other than to bitch to the world.

Yet here I am.

Sometimes, I dunno.

I’m Pretty Much Hating Life Today

I don’t have much more to add. I feel like playing chicken wiht a bus. My chest feels bored and empty. I wish I felt better.

The mother load

I found a my husband’s stash of porn on the computer last night by accident, my heart almost jumped out my eyeballs when I first saw it. There’s not much, just a few videos in phonecamera format.  I seriously didn’t expect to find it, especially stuff of such… quality!

You’d think I’d be mad, stereotypically I should be furious but I’m secretly delighted!  I was too scared to download stuff myself because I’d be caught rapid, but this is absolutely perfect.  He doesn’t know that I know it’s there, and I won’t be telling him that I know it’s there either… it’ll just be our little secret. 

Guess who’s sexlife has suddenly improved?  Mine, that’s who’s!!!!

Am I weak?

Am I weak because I don’t cause fights?

Am I weak because I choose to take the higher ground?

Am I weak because I ask for help?

Am I weak if I don’t speak up?

People tell me I am, but I never feel that way until I’m told to.

She

Everyone thinks she is smart. Any day now, they continually agree, She will make it big. Achieve her potential. Save us all.  ‘You won’t forget us when you’re rich and powerful, will you?’ they always say.

The only person, who doesn’t believe in She is She herself. She knows they are being too kind. She isn’t gifted at all. She’s a big fat fake, bluffing her way through life. She is convinced the moment she tries to actually achieve her full potential, she will fail, fall flat on her face, and the people that once admired her from afar, will admire her no more.  And so She never actually achieves anything or creates anything remotely original.

She knows that this is not what she wants any more and she isn’t even brave enough to admit it aloud. Just another bad decision.   So She just sits on the edge of her possible glory and basks in the adulation of her potential. It’s better than the alternative she supposes.