Why?

Why is it that every month somebody else announces a pregnancy or birth and we cannot get pregnant? My partner says it’s coz we played by the rules. Well rules suck!

Thank you for sharing

For the most part I don’t confide in others. I gave it up by chance in recent years. Mostly because I eventually get paranoid that my confessor will either a) be bored to tears with my fruitless ramblings or b) think I’m a total nut job.  Then I need another person to confide in about my fears about my first confessor and it’s self perpetuating madness.  I also sometimes think people don’t deserve my confidence and most of all have rarely, in fact probably never found anyone who i thought understood what I’m talking about. I miss the verbal release but I’d rather have the repression than the paranoia.

The anonymity of blogland invites a sort of confidence that is infatuating but there’s something two-dimensional about it I find sometimes. I’ve posted here a few times, sometimes to positive support, sometimes the opposite but I confess again I’ve never felt that anyone really understood where I come from. Probably because I’m cagey in what I release and because I’m likely never to find anyone with the same difficulties as me.

But I’m happy to share this now and it’s a nice little release; although I’ll probably regret it later when I’m back to the point where I feel like noone understands.

I feel like George Costanza

You know, Seinfeld? in one episode, George goes to work for a company that didnt hire him. He shows up, bluffs his way into the office past the personnel manager and is shown to his new office… where he sits doing literally nothing for 8 hrs, then packs up his files and goes home.

Jerry asks him what he did all day – nothing. Aren’t you worried about being fired? Nope. I’m going to get a paycheck in two weeks and I dont even work there.

I feel like George. I go to work each day, and do one thing… if even that. And I pack up at the day’s end and go home and the people around me think I work just as hard as they do. I’m an imposter. Except that I AM on the payroll. What am I supposed to be doing? I dont know. Really. Things are super slow right now and there is little for me to keep occupied. Sure, there are things I could do but they dont really ‘need’ to be done – I could go through all my files and be anal about putting them all in proper alphabet and dated order. I could whip up a training PowerPoint presentation I suppose for the new people when and IF we ever get busy enough to hire new people. But I literally have nothing to do at present. And yes, it’s driving me slightly bonkers at times.

Ah well… I suppose others are in the same boat? I should be so lucky-most of my 40 odd years in the workforce prior to this job was incredibly busy and stressful and I”d oft go without a lunch break due to sheer work load. I suppose people nearing the end of their careers are blessed/cursed with smaller workloads and less productivity?

Thots?

Still Sad

I wrote this.

I’m sorry to post again with the same tone.  I went to get my mail today, having not been out of bed pretty much since I posted last time.  I received my employment contract with a giant red VOID on it and my P45.  No one had called to see why I hadn’t been to work.  I had called and said I wasn’t well, but they never got back to me.

That was all I had in my post box.  Nearly four weeks and that’s the only contact I’ve had from anybody.

I’m feeling such immense pain and self sorrow that I actually hope I don’t wake up tomorrow.  I’m not suicidal, I’m too much of a coward.

I have no desire to do anything apart from cry my eyes out, but I can’t bring myself to do any more of that.  At some point I’m just feeling really pathetically sorry for myself, maybe I’ve reached that point already.

I’m feeling so pathetic now that I can’t even afford to feel this way any more, because I’ve no job, which makes me think I always will feel this way.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better.  But I said that yesterday.

The pain won’t stop.

Decisions, desicions

I don’t know what to do. I have had a huge crush on someone for years, and on Friday night we were out with our circle of friends and we had been talking for a while and getting even closer than we were already, so I decided (with a few on me, of course) to tell her what I was feeling.

She told me that she knew all along and that she kind of felt the same way. When I asked her what she meant by kind of, she told me that I would have to drop a lot of weight for her to see me as attractive instead of someone who has potential.

I’ve known her for years, so I know she was being honest in what she said and that she wasn’t saying it to be hurtful or belittling.

But now I don’t know.

Should I lose the weight to get what I’ve wanted for years?

Should I lose the weight because I want to?

Aside from that, should I want to be with someone who looks at my appearance as a liability or should I see it as her honest streak in knowing what she wants?

The weight issues aside I’d do anything she wanted, or at least I thought I would. I’ve always known I had to lose weight, but fortunately I don’t look as heavy as I am, so I never figured it to be an issue.

I’m really in need of some impartial advice.

That’s it

I’m doing it.  I’m really going to do it this time.  I’m sick and tired of putting it off and coming up with excuses not to do it, so I’m just doing it.

I haven’t been happy in my circumstances for so long now and I’m going to change them.  Other people can be happy, why can’t I?  Sure we all have our different problems, but when I listen to others their problems seem so easy to fix, if only they could have my problems for a day.

No more thinking like that, I’m going to do it.  I’m going to be the one that inspres other people to do the same, I’ll lead by example that you don’t have to put up with it.

Even just typing this I feel giddy at the changed that will come about from my decision.

Tomorrow is going to be a great day.

I just can’t do it

I’ve written 1000 words and deleted them all.

Smelly

I’m going to see how long I can go without a shower.  I want to see how long it takes before people visibly notice the pong emanating from my person.

I’m off work for a week and as my real holidays are coming up in September I have nothing to do accept lounge around and get smelly.  I assume I won’t mind my own smell, but the real victory will come if I can walk onto the LUAS and get a seat without putting any effort in at all.

I won’t wash, use deodorant or even change my underwear or socks.  It’s gonna be good!

It’s a combination of curiosity and laziness and lets face it I’m not actually doing any harm to anyone apart from offending their nostrils.  That’s not good enough though, I want my smell to get so bad that people taste the musk!

It must have been like this before advances in personal hygiene, we didn’t always have Body Shop or Molton Brown to save us from our natural odour, and I very much doubt that cavemen worried about where their next can of Right Guard was coming from.

If anyone does pass comment, I’ll just tell them it’s the new Lynx fragrance, “Benji”.

I can’t wait!!

The one that got away

We’ve all got a story like this, so I won’t go on about it.  I just need to let it out.

I am very much in love with a person that I once had a great shot with, I never took that shot out of fear that I was reading the signs wrong.  Since then we have both had relationships and partners, and I am still in a relationship – but selfishly hoped that one day something would happen with the one that got away.

She’s moving away now, emigrating to Canada.  I’ve thought about coming clean with her but that wouldn’t achieve anything, lets face it we don’t live in an episode of Friends.

She could have been the one.  The one that love songs are written about.  When I found out she was leaving I actually felt my heart break.

She’s not the one that got away, but she soon will be.

This bites

I am not having a good day. I wont go in to details, suffice it to say that the days get longer and harder and harder to take. Today I want sympathy though. And I cant seem to get it from my friends or my mate. My friend says that ’sympathy’ falls between ’shit’ and ’syphilius’ (in the dictionary. Although what thats got to do with anything is beyond me). I thought if I came here, I might find some. (sympathy that is, not shit or syphilis). I dont need much – don’t lay it on me too thick. Just enough to get me through to the weekend. Thank you kindly.

Humility

This is a social rant, but as what I have to voice is young-person-social-tabboo, I might as well do it under cover.

My rant is about the negative reaction I’m hearing in the media lately from the gay community about the civil rights partnership bill.  What I’ve been hearing is either a) it’s a disgrace, b) it doesn’t go far enough or c) it’s a stepping stone.

This drives me mad.  The civil rights bill is a massive piece of work. Other than name and adoption issues, it affords every nook and cranny of our marriage law to civil partners.  It will probably effect 100s or thousands of pages of legislation and take years for the administration of it to sort through because there’s so much change to be made.

When I hear of the gay community saying this is not enough it makes me think what the fuck else do you want, you selfish bastards. What happened to one-step-at-a-time and being grateful for small mercies. Where’s the humility in this world?

Being a social minority in other ways I resent how the gay community get so much.  Whatever about the fashion, the glamour, the Hollywood, it was only when the UK primary school system introduced cartoon fairytale books about gay princes that I began to resent all they get.  My minority status would never in a million years be afforded this treatment and we’re as big a proportion of society.

Sad

I slept for almost 18 hours on Sunday.  I spent the other 6 hours of it either close to tears or uncontrollably balling my eyes out.

I feel sorry for myself.  I have no friends, no one emails, calls or even answers text messages.  I don’t get invited anywhere or requests for anyone to visit me.

I used to have lots of friends, at one point I was described as the life and soul but somewhere it went wrong.  I’m overweight and I want to lose it because I think this will fix everything, even though I know that’s not the case.

I was the one that people came to when they need to be heard and I never asked for help unless I really needed it.  I remember times when I was called upon for help when no one else would, and even that person has turned their back.

I have a blog and it’s popular in its own right, but the people who read don’t know the real me, if they did maybe they wouldn’t read or link it to other people.

How has it taken me this long to realise what a terrible person I must be to tolerate?

I’ve turned off my phone, as it’s really just an expensive way to tell time and I’m shutting down my pc.  I’m off to bed and I’m not going back to work.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better.

I fear for the world tonight

Usually I”m a happy optimistic type personality. Tonight, I”m in fear for the world. I watched the news, and it all just got to me on a very personal and emotional level. The G8 are meeting in Japan, and this year the agenda is climate change and the world wide food crisis. It’s reported that the G8 countries are falling behind on the Millenium Development Goals of giving 0.7% to foreign aid for developing countries. And that for the most part, the current G8 leaders really dont give a shit. Almost every G8 country has had an election and is sporting a new Prime Minister or President, and all that work… all that damned hard work that we all did, is swiftly going down the tubes because the current leaders dont hold the same goals as being as serious or dire as the last batch of leaders did. For all the talk of Bush being an idiot and Blair being a war monger and Martin being embroiled in scandal, at the very least they all came together and chose to commit to a common good. However, as one rock star put it; signing the cheque and handing it over are two different things. I guess we never did get the cheque did we?

Zimbabwe is another thing the G8 and UN are dealing with right now. All I can say about that is if there was oil to be had over there, the USA would be in like a shot; proclaiming to the world that they were there to ‘free the Zimbabwe people from an evil dictator’. Unfortunately for the people – it doesnt seem to be much of an issue for the UN right now.  The USA says ’sanctions’, Brown in the UK says somethng must be done but China has made it clear they expect us to do nothing.. and considering we in the developed nations are slaves of China for our economy, our cheap knockoffs and cheap labor, I dont think they’ll go against China and do anything. Mugabe is in again. Nothing like being ‘voted’ in for another term of terror by people that are in fear of their lives if they vote otherwise.

Not enough food to go around, middle class fast disappearing with the rich being the elite again, and the middleclass becoming the poor. Fuel costs spiking worldwide meanwhile the Saudi’s build hotels and helicopter pads and aquariums filled with 3000 different species of fish, hire slave labor from the white nations and wager hundreds of thousands of dollars on camel races out of boredom. Floods happening in places that should be dry, fires in places that should be damp, and scientists arguing whether global warming is real or not.

Its just too much tonight. I feel helpless and useless. I feel like all the work my friends and I did over the last two years was a waste of time and energy. As well as thousands of others who joined the One and Make Poverty History Campaigns, went out of our way to buy fair trade coffee, chocolate, etc when possible, bought Edun shirts and (RED) items to ensure we werent’ supporting child labor. What good does it all get us? Has it really made any difference in the long term? I fear the world is heading down a slippery slope and that we are rushing toward a catastrophe of epic proportions and nobody really can see it or if they do, they dont give a fuck.

I”ll feel right in the morning. But for tonight I just wanted to offload.